The Day Before Exam

The day is finally here. Tomorrow i'll be having my Professional III exam.
At this point, there's a mixture of feelings inside of me now..
I sincerely feel that i am not really well prepared for this exam. There are still lots of topics that i didn't really cover & those that i had covered, i don't know how many percent did stick inside my brain.
The feeling that i would fail is there all these while. Maybe somewhere deep down inside my heart, somehow there's a part of me wishing that i would fail in the coming exam. During the study week, as the days go by, eventually i began doubting my capability to become a doctor in the future. I would have flashbbacks to the time my brother say these words "You are not suitable to become a doctor." I am beginning to agree with him.. Compared to other batchmates, i am not that enthusiastic & active in the process of learning.. yes, i am aware that i am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy & it doesn't really matter to where i flow to.. Is this quality supposed to be in a doctor? I don't think so.. a good doctor should be enthusiastic, active & enjoy learning every disease so that to equip himself with the proper knowledge to investigate what's going on in each & every one of the patient. However, it just seemed to me that i did not have this quality & fear that eventually even if i pass, i would not take it this seriously & ended up being a mediocre doctor.. I also begin to feel that my way of thinking doesn't really go well with the profession that i choose, sometimes i feel that i am too naive & too restricted in thinking. Do i have the ability to help & to cure? Perhaps my mentality is not ready to take up such a great responsibility?
Another part of me wants to pass, of course. So many people are expecting me to pass & i do have a scholarship contract to fulfill; if not i would be in serious debt..
& I just can't imagine what i would do if i do really fail. Will i have the will & the might to go for remedial & will i be really ready by then? Or will i go crazy & kill myself 1st?

Well, when all's said & done, i guess we just have to live with it, whatever the outcome will be.. Really hope that everything will turn out right.

FLOOD!!!

This is the 1st time i personally experience a flood..
As i am writing now, the rain continues to pour & already 10cm of water's risen in my house!!!
For the moment, I have retreated to my room on the 1st floor & miraculously there's line, so here i am, typing this..
I really didn't see it coming.. i was preparing my powerpoint in the living room when suddenly i felt water at my feet.
When i looked around, the kitchen's already flooded!
I had to call my housemate & move things to the 1st floor..
The whole stretch of road was flood & the water was so high, i had to move my car to higher grounds..
My mum's worried if the water will get any higher..
Although the neighbours said that a few centimetres of water is normal during this season, but if the rain continues to fall, i fear for the worst too..

Let's just hope this rain will stop soon...

... ...

These 2 days have been very bleak indeed.. ..

only received news in the afternoon about the passing away of my dear friend's father of whom i knew quite well too..

he's a robust and very helpful man, also, he's a great planner taking into account the slightest details so that everything goes accordingly.. he's been a great help to me as well.. all these years while i am studying in university, he had been the one i had to rely on to send me home from the train station or bus station..
the father of my dear friend, he had been a great parent, a responsible and meticulous parent who had taken care of every details so that each of his children can have the most out of their lives.. many times i have heard my friend praising his father for all the good qualities..

the only regret might be that he had to leave his family earlier than he intended.. never would have thought that a previously fit man would suddenly fall gravely ill and passed away..

May he rest in peace..

somehow it all made me think back about the death of my own father.. they both passed away at quite similar age.. both due to illness.. both had left their family devastated at the great loss of their dear ones..

but that's the reality of this world, all is impermanent..

In memory of my Grandma..

Mid-autumn festival, should be a festive occasion

but i never would have thought i would receive a call that changed my day..

in that morning, i was informed that my dear grandma had passed away..

She had been a very gentle and kind person. Always cared for her children and grandchildren. Never bothered about herself but kept on insisting on home-cooked food for every festivals and even on her own birthdays, she toiled the whole morning to whipped out our favourite dishes. Not once had i heard her saying bad things about others. It's quite a blessing to be able to live up to a ripe age of 70+ years, to be able to see the day of the birth of her great-grandchildren.
Just never thought that she would have to succumb to a disease that tortured her even til the day of her death. Never would have thought that she would become a statistic for cancer mortality rate.
May she rest in peace,
May she reap the fruit of her good deeds,
May she continue her journey in favourable conditions that can lead her to the truth of Dhamma.

Sick

Been having stomachache for 2 days and diarrhoea for 1 day.. Maybe that's the reason why i've been feeling blue..

Gloom Bloom

Dear me.. don't know what's gotten into me.. feel so blue.. down in the deepest dump.. tired.. depressed.. lost interest..
but have to keep going.. & going.. can't stop.. otherwise, all will come to a complete halt..

Humans

Humans.. are creatures that's bound to ties and bonds, be it another creature or an object;
Humans.. are creatures full of emotions, good and bad.

Some are highly charged and release their 'voltage' constantly or what known as those with 'High Expressed Emotion' (HEE)
Some tend to not manifest their emotion but kept it in their heart, hence 'Low Expressed Emotion' (LEE)
*note: as you can see now that i naturally belong to LEE family.. ;p

Anyway, life goes on today as per every day, yet a particular event made me feel dull and bored with the ties and bonds that humans share..
What's a friend if he cared too much about returns, what others can do for him.. this influenced him that greatly that he can just keep all the unpleasantness in his mind for like.. forever, and would just keep digging at the old wounds over and over again. His friends will be in the wrong when they didn't asked him out for a meal this time round and would just keep on throwing sarcasms into his friends' faces.. However, he will not be in the wrong when he himself didn't ask his friends out.. Funny right?
He expects other to reciprocate and know what he wants at exactly when he wants it by how he wants it to be without actually asking him.. if not, prepare yourself to meet with Grouchy the dwarf.. (his friends should have at least some basics in mind-reading skills to survive..!) But does he know the sacrifices others did for him? Is he able to read others' minds as well? Should his friends be like him, hoping more from him?

Well, i understand that everyone will have their good and bad qualities; everyone has their good sides and we should always try to look at the positive points and the happy times spent together. I'm just saying it's kinda hard sometimes to understand this type of person and totally avoid clashes that'll result in a cold war for 100 hours which is quite unnecessary.. and at some point, you'll wonder if there's any meaning to it as you tread the road with great caution so as not to step on any traps and every step you take become so deliberate until sometimes you just don't feel like making any moves at all which of course tend to worsen the whole situation.. *sigh*

I really hope there's something cheerful for me to blog in soon or i'll have to change the title of my blog to 'A Gloom Life'...

New Semester, New Surprises

Well, well.. what do you know.. here i am in my fifth & final (hopefully) year in medical school. It's been almost a week now since the new semester started and so far so good, at least i am still able to 'curi' a litttle time to write an entry..
But i am afraid it's not that lucky for some other students.. When i first arrived back in ol' campus, a whole bunch of the students got a heck of surprises..!

Now, there's an abrupt rearrangement of hostels and hundred over students were transferred to another hostel resulting in many dissatisfied students including 1 of my buddy. Alright, it's just moving hostel, what's the big deal apart from having to move your things from hostel M to hostel N which is only a football field apart? Oh boy, the climax had yet to come..

When my friend got his room key, we was so shocked to find out that all the students who was transferred to hostel N from M was given querter room (which is like the worst room where you have to share with 3 other students whom you don't know with very very limited personal space only fit for freshmen juniors and maybe 2nd and 3rd year students..) despite the fact that my friend is already a 5th year student!!! This is ridiculous as he had to share his room with 3 other 1st years..! Not only him but all other 5th year students who were transferred had the same fate. When he complained to the officer-in-charge, he was told that the name list was only finalized that day and they had no choice but to slot in the names into any available empty spaces.. the whole bunch of them tried complaining back to hostel M and was given a lot of excuses; as we stood there listening to them, i was thinking, 'yeah, keep on going, you must have thought of 1001 excuses in your brains now to deal with us..' So, in the end, my friend only ended up filing an appeal with the slightest hope to get a better room, but all of us knew that this hope is as dim as a candlelight that's going to burn out..

However, when you thought that this was the climax, there's even a greater height in sight: about 90 students were transferred out from hostel M to a place called UPPU, i didn't know the exact full term but my best guess was Unit Penginapan Pelajar Universiti.. note: they didn't even dare to use the word Hostel, it's just a Unit but the best word for it is actually a Barrack!

This UPPU was actually derived from the 1st and 2nd floor of shophouses where they fit in about 30 beds and cupboards in 1 floor! Visualize: immediately ext to a bed is a cupboard then next to the cupboard is another bed! hard to visualize? just think of a scene of an army barrack in any movies and you'll get a similar picture.. and there's only 3 toilets to be shared by 30 students! Study tables were arranged in 1 row on each side of the wall of a narrow corridor situated at the middle of the unit, where there's no ventilation and not to mention not enough lighting. Imagine how the residents are going to have some of their privacy; where to keep their things without worrying about theft, how to study in that kind of condition?

I really felt sorry for those guys who got their name listed to live in UPPU. As i know, most of them are already planning to find another place to stay..

Wonder, what other surprises are in stored..?

less 'Wisdom'

When each person comes-to-age, the 4 wisdom teeth began to find its way out of the gum.. 2 years ago i had 1 of it extracted..
Unexpectedly, I have been having trouble eating and drinking especially cold drinks for the past 1 month or so.. went to dental clinic and found out that it's due to impacted wisom tooth, so made an appointment for MOS (Minor Oral Surgery). Finally, the day came to have my wisdom tooth extracted!
At first, there's only numbness.. then came the pain (after the local anaesthesia worn off).. *ouch*
now, there's still slight bleeding from the site and boy, i'm sure it's going to be swollen for the next few days.. *sigh*
and, now i only have half of my total wisdom left..

Elective..

Time pass by so fast, one moment i'm just lamenting about how i must struggle in my 4th year and here i am, 2 weeks away from completing my 4th year! he..he..

After that, i am supposed to do my elective posting in Johor Bahru but somthing happened and i may have to stay in Kelantan for another month for my elective before i can have a chance to go back to my hometown.. miss U, JB!

Uncertainty...

Sometimes, i would feel like i am such a fool.. i know i am still human and still do mistakes but i try my best to be a better person, but why others don't seemed to appreciate this? Or am i not trying enough?
i tried to accommodate my teammates, sometimes halted my progression to wait for others so that we can advance together. However, at times i would just get dumped by other where they started to sprint without me.. the result: others would go ahead of me & i'll be the one who's left behind..
Am i doing something that i shouldn't have to do? Am i suppose to as selfish as others to grab every chance possible and not let others benefit from it? Am i doing the wrong thing or am i doing the right thing the wrong way?
Sometimes, i just felt 'down' and uncertain about what kind of person i'll be in the future? Am i really prepared to mature? to go out into the world full with uncertainties? Sometimes, i felt like i am still a small inexperienced kid who's still living in a world of my own..
Is it only me who's thinking this way or is it everybody will feel this once in a while?

Chinese New Year Celebration..

USM's Chinese New Year Night was fantastic! I enjoyed it very much. The organizers sure put in a lot of effort and it's all worth it..! This is the 1st time the celebration was held outside of campus, it's nice although i personally prefer it to be in the campus, then there would be more 'feel' to it.. I seriously have to take my hats off to the organizers.. Firstly, the show's getting better and more 'pro' by the year. They're even able to use high-tech animation to bring out the storyline of their sketch, the animation is so nice, it felt like i was watching an introduction to a RPG game.. well, although at times the story by the animation was quite lengthy.. They've managed to link up almost the performances that night to the main sketch which gave it a nice touch of continuity of the night's programme.

The decoration was simple yet and a traditional touch to it. I liked this year's backdrop:

The dragon was quite majestic in close view but maybe the audience can't appreciate the details much from far distance. This alone brings out the Chinese New Year 'feel' to the hall. Also, they decorated the pillars around the hall with smaller dragons..

At the main door, they put up images of their sketch's main characters, Yue Fei and his son, Yue Yun. (At first I thought it was the 2 door guardians..!?! he..he..)

Too bad my eyes were closed..! =(

It was also a precious time for our coursemates to gather and chat. It's difficult to find a time when we can gather our coursemates from various postings and have a get-together. It really felt wonderful..

Tolerate..

It has been a busy day & just want to share a little something that my friend had said.

He told me about a story of a granddaughter & her granddad. It goes like this:

Once, there was a granddaughter (let's name her Mel, so that i need not type the word 'granddaughter' that many times.. ;p) who loved fell in love with a man at 1st sight. After Mel's marriage, she gradually realized that she's finding more & more faults in her husband, thus they ended up always in a quarrel. Everytime, she would complain to her granddad about her husband. Her granddad had always just listen to her stories without any response. Until 1 fine day, Mel went to her grandad'a place to complain again. This time round, granddad handed Mel a piece of white paper & a pen. "Mel, do put down a dot for every fault that you think your husband has..". So, Mel made a dot for every thing that she's not satisfied at.. At last, Mel had at least thousands of dots on the piece of paper. "Ok, that should be it, you see, the dots covered practically the whole paper..!" Then, her granddad said to her, "well, there seemed to be quite a lot of dots that made both of you unhappy.." "but, why didn't you realize that although there might be a thousand dots on this paper, there are still lots of spaces left white..!"

Have you got what he meant?

When two people are living with each other, surely every bits of theirselves will show for the partner to see; however, if all that you saw is faults & weaknesses, surely there will be hard times ahead. Besides the faults, surely everyone has their own strong points, so why not focus on these and not dwell on the weaknesses. This way, there will be tolerance & understanding towards each other. I think this doesn't only apply to marriage but to every relationships: parents-children, friends, students-teachers and even enemies! This way, you'll also be more contented & feel happy for yourself.. so why not?

Down with a flu..

Just my luck, down with flu.. it just seized me so suddenly! when i woke up in the morning, i got all the symptoms: tired, runny nose, red eyes, cough & sore throat..





Decided to just stay in my room all day, therefore bought some ingredients from 7-11 for my breakfast, lunch & dinner.





Breakfast: Mushroom soup + bread





Lunch: Ice Lemon Tea + tuna sandwich + cawanmushi

My lunch..!

Dinner: friend asked me out, so didn't get to finish off the breads i bought.. :p

Still feeling quite sick now.. tonight have to sleep early.

Winter Solstice

This is the 1st winter solstice in the past 4 years where i get taste my mum's home-cooked traditional glutinous riceballs..!




Invited a few friends over for dinner (my mum's special fried rice! yum!!!) and we bought some glutinous riceballs (those with fillings: peanut, red bean, black sesame) from the supermarket. I liked black sesame the best..!

delicious 'tang yuan'!

Brief Retreat..

Another posting ended.. yup, no more labour rooms for me for the time being.. kinda liked the atmosphere though, might consider taking up O&G as speciality in the future
:p

It's been a heavy posting, exhausted my brain power trying to fit in all the inputs and pouring it out during exam.. wow, finally get to relax over the weekend, did some things that i've longed to do such as watching drama, just idling around (though i kinda regret it now..should have used my time for something useful..) and most importantly: setting up MSN on my new laptop =)
Ha..Ha.. chatted with a few old buddies on MSN, really missed them so much!! it's been just a long time since i went back to hometown.. Have to wait until CNY only get to go back..

Actually, wanted to go on a 2 day 2 night 'Kampung Orang Asli' medical expedition which ended yesterday organized by school but as my mum's here, i have to choose family between the two.. Found out from junior that they had so much fun there.. medical check-ups, health counselling, tour around kampung, and a chance to menyupit orang asli style! hope there'll be chances like this in the future.

Well, the end of O&G means the beginning of Surgery. Have to keep it up! =)

Mum's in Kelantan!

My mum will be staying in Kelantan for about a month! That means i get to eat home-cooked dishes..! Wah.. it's been a long time since i've eaten my mum's dishes.. (what to do, no time to go home).. i can imagine now all of my favourite dishes appearing in front of me.. yum! yum!

On-call in Labour Room

The time is 2.30 am.
I am now in Labour room waiting for the birth of new lives into this world. So far, I had conducted 2 deliveries and the feeling of receiving a new being into the world is simply miraculous..!
Mothers suffered for 9 months during pregnancy awaiting for this day to come.. As the mother lies on the bed waiting for the full dilatation & effacement of the cervix, every mother would feel pain and anxious for the birth of her baby. When the baby can't wait to see this world, the mother had to exhaust all her energy to push the baby out from her womb, then the expression on the mother's face changes from pain to joy as the baby was born and the 1st cry was heard..!
The greatness of mothers are incomparable and we as a child should always remember that our mother will always be there for us & we should also always be there for our mother..!
Sheez, wonder how i am going to go through tomorrow's lecture...

hari yang gelap..

hari ini terasa amat gelap.. bukan sebab malam, bukan sebab hari nak hujan.. tetapi terasa pilu dalam hati..

pertama kali mata saya bertembung matanya, saya sudah terasa kesedihan dalam matanya tetapi mukanya nenunjukkan ketabahan yang disengajakan..
apabila saya mula berbual dengannya, suaranya sungguh tidak bermaya tetapi wajahnya masih sanggup bersenyum semasa menjawab soalan-soalan saya..

"akak tidak pernah mengalami apa-apa tanda, hanya sakit perut sejak 2 bulan lalu.. 2 hari lepas, tiba-tiba darah mengalir keluar hingga basah 1 sarung..! Jadi suami bawa ke hospital.."
.
.
semakin saya mengetahui ceritanya, semakin saya faham kesedihan yang dialaminya..
.
.
"sebenarnya.. akak dah mengandung 14 minggu.."
"doktor kata scan menunjukkan akak tak gugur dengan habis, masih ada yang tertinggal di dalam rahim, kena cuci.."
.
.
apabila saya mendengar kata-kata ini, saya terpegun seketika, tidak tahu bagaimana hendak sambung dengan temubual ini.. tapi, saya teruskan juga hingga selesai..
selepas saya pergi dari katil akak itu, senyuman pada mukanya hilang, matanya memandang jauh ke langit.. mungkin tengah berfikir tentang anaknya yang tiada peluang untuk melihat dunia ini..

I am turning into 1 of the 7 Dwarves..!

Zzz.. Zzz.. Yup, i think i am becoming Sleepy..!

These few days i felt abnormally sleepy throughtout the days for i-don't-know-what reasons.. I've had my usual dose of sleep but still i would doze off at the most inappropriate hours and sometimes really unable to concentrate on my tasks.. i can just doze off to Dreamland during lectures, seminars, discussions, tutorials, even in the library when i was studying.. just give me a seat and i can just doze off before you can count to three ten hundred..!

At times, would felt my eyes were very dry & red (just like when you had just woken up from an hour sleep after deprived of sleep for 24 hours).. definitely not a good feeling..

maybe I've been infected with a 'Sleeping Disease'..