Never have I thought that one day I would face such a dilemma: whether to uphold my moral conscience or to be selfish for my own sake.
On one hand, I'll be doing something socially wrong which I don't want others to do unto me; but on the other hand, I really do wish for it to be mine.
Never have I had this feeling before..
I'm having an internal struggle within myself and I'm really not sure of what is to be my next course of action...
Tuesday, May 6
Wednesday, January 18
Undifferentiated
A conclusion about me in a word : undifferentiated
just one of the things going through my head.. I realized that I'm really an undifferentiated organism, just living my life by default, by reaction & dependence towards my surroundings.
point 1:
Out of sight, out of mind? I realized I only keep in touch with friends that I have contact with (well, apart from a few exceptions i.e. my really long & close friends). Otherwise, I'll be very distant to my other friends.. even with the ever popular facebook, I just ended up being a 'stalker', reading & knowing their updates but never really response.. which I think is a really really bad trait of mine..
point 2 :
I react only to my immediate suroundings. Many a times, I would totally forgot about certain things / tasks that I planned earlier but ended up not doing. I would only realized that when a certain trigger (from my surroundings) that would remind me of that task!!!
point 3 :
since time immemorial, when I have to choose between something, it'll be really difficult for me since I really have no preponderance over one to the other, no particular strong interest; and I would be so influenced by others in my decision, or rather I needed some influence to get to my decision.. What to eat? What to do next? Where to go? Where to hang out? What to buy? Which subjects to choose? What I want to be when I grow up? Which degree to study? Each proved to be a difficult choice..
point 4 :
No comment: my friends would certainly agree that most of the time, I really have no comments whatsoever to most of the things that we talked about. I am what you would call a 'blockhead'. Maybe the synapses in my brain are just not functioning..
point 5 :
up until this point, I am still not 100% sure just what am I going to do with my life; with my career. Which specialty should I choose? How should I spend the rest of my life? Currently I'm just living my life just as it is, fulfilling my basic 'duty' of living; just 'going with the flow'..
In the end of the day, maybe I'm just an autistic child with a self centered personality that cannot accommodate others in my life? Really pathetic isn't it?
Perhaps my ideal lifestyle is just to be a monk in a temple.. ;p
just one of the things going through my head.. I realized that I'm really an undifferentiated organism, just living my life by default, by reaction & dependence towards my surroundings.
point 1:
Out of sight, out of mind? I realized I only keep in touch with friends that I have contact with (well, apart from a few exceptions i.e. my really long & close friends). Otherwise, I'll be very distant to my other friends.. even with the ever popular facebook, I just ended up being a 'stalker', reading & knowing their updates but never really response.. which I think is a really really bad trait of mine..
point 2 :
I react only to my immediate suroundings. Many a times, I would totally forgot about certain things / tasks that I planned earlier but ended up not doing. I would only realized that when a certain trigger (from my surroundings) that would remind me of that task!!!
point 3 :
since time immemorial, when I have to choose between something, it'll be really difficult for me since I really have no preponderance over one to the other, no particular strong interest; and I would be so influenced by others in my decision, or rather I needed some influence to get to my decision.. What to eat? What to do next? Where to go? Where to hang out? What to buy? Which subjects to choose? What I want to be when I grow up? Which degree to study? Each proved to be a difficult choice..
point 4 :
No comment: my friends would certainly agree that most of the time, I really have no comments whatsoever to most of the things that we talked about. I am what you would call a 'blockhead'. Maybe the synapses in my brain are just not functioning..
point 5 :
up until this point, I am still not 100% sure just what am I going to do with my life; with my career. Which specialty should I choose? How should I spend the rest of my life? Currently I'm just living my life just as it is, fulfilling my basic 'duty' of living; just 'going with the flow'..
In the end of the day, maybe I'm just an autistic child with a self centered personality that cannot accommodate others in my life? Really pathetic isn't it?
Perhaps my ideal lifestyle is just to be a monk in a temple.. ;p
Wednesday, August 31
An act of kindness?
Ever think back about certain action that makes you wonder whether did you make the right decision and is there a better alternative way?
Few years back, I made a decision, one that made me sacrifice something very precious to bring joy to one of my best friend, but at the same time, I did cause some misery to another.
I don't know exactly why I decided to do it that way then, perhaps I just wanted to do something good, something altruistic, perhaps?
However, when I think back now, I can't help but to think about the thing that I lost in return for that act of kindness which my friend never really do know about or understand anyway.
Is there really the need for that decision, is there a 'better' way?
Is it really worthwhile for my altruism? I've lost something to gain nothing..
I really don't understand why am I thinking all this right now, it's all too late anyway.
But what if I'm faced with similar situation in the future? Will I still make similar decisions, ones that will make me wonder if that act of kindness that makes a hole in me be worthwhile?
Maybe I really need to learn how to be the devil sometimes.. ;p
Few years back, I made a decision, one that made me sacrifice something very precious to bring joy to one of my best friend, but at the same time, I did cause some misery to another.
I don't know exactly why I decided to do it that way then, perhaps I just wanted to do something good, something altruistic, perhaps?
However, when I think back now, I can't help but to think about the thing that I lost in return for that act of kindness which my friend never really do know about or understand anyway.
Is there really the need for that decision, is there a 'better' way?
Is it really worthwhile for my altruism? I've lost something to gain nothing..
I really don't understand why am I thinking all this right now, it's all too late anyway.
But what if I'm faced with similar situation in the future? Will I still make similar decisions, ones that will make me wonder if that act of kindness that makes a hole in me be worthwhile?
Maybe I really need to learn how to be the devil sometimes.. ;p
Wednesday, June 1
At the X-road..
Another year gone by & here i am writing again
** am thinking, dear me, i suck at maintaining things, started with something good but end up down the drain **
Anyway, i am finishing my housemanship very soon.. (wow, couldn't believe i made it through at last)
and yet another challenge awaits me : what should i do after this?
so many roads to choose yet i haven't got the slightest clue which to take..?
interest : couldn't really tell which field i have the most interest in
not really suited for surgical based field due to poor constitution (my back really can't stand the long standing hours in OT);
don't really wanted to go into Int Med (i am not that good with diff diag);
Peads, a definite NO for me;
Radiology - my brother took that off the list already..
Anaesthesiology maybe? but too bad i didn't have the exposure during my housemanship, but i actually only like the OT part of Anaes, not the taking-care-of-ICU part
So, after some shortlisting, i am down with
emergency medicine - since i am bad with maintaining stuff, might as well i do the initial resus & let the ward finish the rest of the job
family physician - be a 'jack of all trades'
non clinical based e.g. nuclear medicine - since i am familiar with physics & the good part : no need to be on-call; but all clinical skills will be wasted
Up until this point of time, i am still at the crossroad, scratching my head, don't know which to choose..
Let there be some signs to help me choose.. please..
** am thinking, dear me, i suck at maintaining things, started with something good but end up down the drain **
Anyway, i am finishing my housemanship very soon.. (wow, couldn't believe i made it through at last)
and yet another challenge awaits me : what should i do after this?
so many roads to choose yet i haven't got the slightest clue which to take..?
interest : couldn't really tell which field i have the most interest in
not really suited for surgical based field due to poor constitution (my back really can't stand the long standing hours in OT);
don't really wanted to go into Int Med (i am not that good with diff diag);
Peads, a definite NO for me;
Radiology - my brother took that off the list already..
Anaesthesiology maybe? but too bad i didn't have the exposure during my housemanship, but i actually only like the OT part of Anaes, not the taking-care-of-ICU part
So, after some shortlisting, i am down with
emergency medicine - since i am bad with maintaining stuff, might as well i do the initial resus & let the ward finish the rest of the job
family physician - be a 'jack of all trades'
non clinical based e.g. nuclear medicine - since i am familiar with physics & the good part : no need to be on-call; but all clinical skills will be wasted
Up until this point of time, i am still at the crossroad, scratching my head, don't know which to choose..
Let there be some signs to help me choose.. please..
Monday, March 8
the year of the Tiger drains the energy in me..
been nearly a year since i last written something here.. dear me..
had been working like crazy for the past 8 months..
1st, O&G: the acclaimed toughest & busiest department,
2nd, Orthopaedics: longer working hours compared to O&G + more energy needed, finished that &
3rd, Internal Medicine: my current posting, surprisingly i found it even more difficult & stressed than the previous 2 postings..! My brain energy is all drained up everyday to the max + have to make sure every little tasks are done to the perfection; worse, the working hours are actually longer than previous postings.. why? because we have to do our own night rounds after 8pm.. even during weekends..!
Mind you, the night rounds are good: for the patient & for those on-calls.. but only after 2 weeks in this department, i am feeling really tired & drained of my energy.. can i really keep it up for another 14 weeks before i left this department?
Hoping the Tiger year would bring fresh vibrant energy to me but i guess it's just to be all drained up into the department... or maybe i should go check if i am hypothyroid?
had been working like crazy for the past 8 months..
1st, O&G: the acclaimed toughest & busiest department,
2nd, Orthopaedics: longer working hours compared to O&G + more energy needed, finished that &
3rd, Internal Medicine: my current posting, surprisingly i found it even more difficult & stressed than the previous 2 postings..! My brain energy is all drained up everyday to the max + have to make sure every little tasks are done to the perfection; worse, the working hours are actually longer than previous postings.. why? because we have to do our own night rounds after 8pm.. even during weekends..!
Mind you, the night rounds are good: for the patient & for those on-calls.. but only after 2 weeks in this department, i am feeling really tired & drained of my energy.. can i really keep it up for another 14 weeks before i left this department?
Hoping the Tiger year would bring fresh vibrant energy to me but i guess it's just to be all drained up into the department... or maybe i should go check if i am hypothyroid?
Saturday, April 11
The Day Before Exam
The day is finally here. Tomorrow i'll be having my Professional III exam.
At this point, there's a mixture of feelings inside of me now..
I sincerely feel that i am not really well prepared for this exam. There are still lots of topics that i didn't really cover & those that i had covered, i don't know how many percent did stick inside my brain.
The feeling that i would fail is there all these while. Maybe somewhere deep down inside my heart, somehow there's a part of me wishing that i would fail in the coming exam. During the study week, as the days go by, eventually i began doubting my capability to become a doctor in the future. I would have flashbbacks to the time my brother say these words "You are not suitable to become a doctor." I am beginning to agree with him.. Compared to other batchmates, i am not that enthusiastic & active in the process of learning.. yes, i am aware that i am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy & it doesn't really matter to where i flow to.. Is this quality supposed to be in a doctor? I don't think so.. a good doctor should be enthusiastic, active & enjoy learning every disease so that to equip himself with the proper knowledge to investigate what's going on in each & every one of the patient. However, it just seemed to me that i did not have this quality & fear that eventually even if i pass, i would not take it this seriously & ended up being a mediocre doctor.. I also begin to feel that my way of thinking doesn't really go well with the profession that i choose, sometimes i feel that i am too naive & too restricted in thinking. Do i have the ability to help & to cure? Perhaps my mentality is not ready to take up such a great responsibility?
Another part of me wants to pass, of course. So many people are expecting me to pass & i do have a scholarship contract to fulfill; if not i would be in serious debt..
& I just can't imagine what i would do if i do really fail. Will i have the will & the might to go for remedial & will i be really ready by then? Or will i go crazy & kill myself 1st?
Well, when all's said & done, i guess we just have to live with it, whatever the outcome will be.. Really hope that everything will turn out right.
At this point, there's a mixture of feelings inside of me now..
I sincerely feel that i am not really well prepared for this exam. There are still lots of topics that i didn't really cover & those that i had covered, i don't know how many percent did stick inside my brain.
The feeling that i would fail is there all these while. Maybe somewhere deep down inside my heart, somehow there's a part of me wishing that i would fail in the coming exam. During the study week, as the days go by, eventually i began doubting my capability to become a doctor in the future. I would have flashbbacks to the time my brother say these words "You are not suitable to become a doctor." I am beginning to agree with him.. Compared to other batchmates, i am not that enthusiastic & active in the process of learning.. yes, i am aware that i am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy & it doesn't really matter to where i flow to.. Is this quality supposed to be in a doctor? I don't think so.. a good doctor should be enthusiastic, active & enjoy learning every disease so that to equip himself with the proper knowledge to investigate what's going on in each & every one of the patient. However, it just seemed to me that i did not have this quality & fear that eventually even if i pass, i would not take it this seriously & ended up being a mediocre doctor.. I also begin to feel that my way of thinking doesn't really go well with the profession that i choose, sometimes i feel that i am too naive & too restricted in thinking. Do i have the ability to help & to cure? Perhaps my mentality is not ready to take up such a great responsibility?
Another part of me wants to pass, of course. So many people are expecting me to pass & i do have a scholarship contract to fulfill; if not i would be in serious debt..
& I just can't imagine what i would do if i do really fail. Will i have the will & the might to go for remedial & will i be really ready by then? Or will i go crazy & kill myself 1st?
Well, when all's said & done, i guess we just have to live with it, whatever the outcome will be.. Really hope that everything will turn out right.
Monday, December 1
FLOOD!!!
This is the 1st time i personally experience a flood..
As i am writing now, the rain continues to pour & already 10cm of water's risen in my house!!!
For the moment, I have retreated to my room on the 1st floor & miraculously there's line, so here i am, typing this..
I really didn't see it coming.. i was preparing my powerpoint in the living room when suddenly i felt water at my feet.
When i looked around, the kitchen's already flooded!
I had to call my housemate & move things to the 1st floor..
The whole stretch of road was flood & the water was so high, i had to move my car to higher grounds..
My mum's worried if the water will get any higher..
Although the neighbours said that a few centimetres of water is normal during this season, but if the rain continues to fall, i fear for the worst too..
Let's just hope this rain will stop soon...
As i am writing now, the rain continues to pour & already 10cm of water's risen in my house!!!
For the moment, I have retreated to my room on the 1st floor & miraculously there's line, so here i am, typing this..
I really didn't see it coming.. i was preparing my powerpoint in the living room when suddenly i felt water at my feet.
When i looked around, the kitchen's already flooded!
I had to call my housemate & move things to the 1st floor..
The whole stretch of road was flood & the water was so high, i had to move my car to higher grounds..
My mum's worried if the water will get any higher..
Although the neighbours said that a few centimetres of water is normal during this season, but if the rain continues to fall, i fear for the worst too..
Let's just hope this rain will stop soon...
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