Always on my mind 2

I really don't know what is happening inside my mind but here's a little peek inside my mind...

Frustrating thought 2: I don't know how to express myself clearly...
Well, a really have to admit i don't have a talent of expressing myself very well especially in front of public. My adrenaline level will shot sky high and i will always become too exited & nervous until i lose my composure; in the end i will forgot the flow of speech and couldn't get the message across, clearly.
Maybe my brain's a bit slow, that's why... I feel like most of the time, my brain is blank..! Thinking about absolutely nothing. Maybe that's why everytime it's only until after i had a certain conversation with someone that i thought of a lot of better words to say that will be able to convey my message a lot more clearly. Does this only happen to me or does this happen to anybody else? i really wonder...
This also attributes to me being a listener more than a talker. Well, i think when in a crowd i am listening 99% of the time and only talking 1% of the time but i enjoyed listening to other people's stories... other people's problems... though maybe when i am listening i don't really give a very good response and my eyes will tend to sway to look at what's happening at the surrounding.. So others will tend to feel like i am way too quiet. And yes, sometimes, i will just do something unexpected and the result...
yup, you guessed it, kena kutuk again, 'sometimes i feel you just trying very hard so that others are impressed with you... so fake...'
(*stab*) What! So meaning i can't really do anything that brings others attention to me once in a while when i am not even thinking of this sort of things and you can do just anything as if you are NOT trying to impress others because you are always doing this sort of things and it's normal for you yet not for anyone else??? Duh?
It really hurts when i heard these words.. to think i can be labeled as 'doing things with intention and purpose' when i am not, AT ALL! Couldn't anyone do something just for the sake of it's intrinsic values... without ulterior purpose and nothing else??

That brings me to my other problems:
Problem 1: i actually don't like to probe into other people's business, if you want to talk, of course i can always lend my ears but because of this, other's will think i do not care so i do not ask so they just deliberately don't talk to me...
I know of this so when i try to improve by asking more questions (out of concern) i was told by others that they don't like me probing too much into their business..!?!
What the ****? So now i seriously don't know just how am i supposed to interact with others... when i talk i am afraid other people will perceived me as nosy and i actually don't know what to say... when i don't talk, people will say i am too quiet or feel that i am hard to approach & grouchy... (sigh)

Problem 2: don't give expected response perceived as 'i am not listening and i don't care what you are saying' attitude...
Well, i know it is quite inappropriate that i didn't keep full attention to the conversation at hand and tend to scan around with my eyes but i sincerely state here that i DO listen... it's just that i like to look around when i am listening... different sensation modalities different nerve tracts, it won't affect one another, that's called multi-tasking! But what made things worse is that as i had mention earlier, my brain is slow and tend to blank itself out... so when i am asked a question, 'hey are you actually listening what i am saying, can you repeat what i said?' A lot of times i just can't really give the answer that others expected... So i always kena with 'You always don't listen one, when i talking you see here see there... didn't give any response also... Don't want to talk to you anymore...'
(faint)
Do i seriously have a serious interpersonal skill problems or what? After all the repeated kutuk and kutuk and kutuk, i feel like i am losing my senses and i really don't know how to be a human anymore... I seriously don't know how i should treat others, my heart is already shut... i can't really face others without the fear what other poeple might comment about every move i made... i just don't want to make any moves now...

Can someone just give me some tips just how am i suppose to handle all different sort of poeple out there in the world? Do i really need to change? How do i change? Must i be a really good actor that can change my personality when needed? Must i wear a mask everytime i interact with other poeple?

I don't really know, maybe all this thoughts will go away, maybe just like KP said, it's just a mood swing... (i am also a temperamental Cancerian bound to the waning and waxing of the moon) or maybe this is just an excuse created by myself to help me feel better...