A Sad One... = (

I know i shouldn't think about unhappy stuff too much... but somethings are just hard to control, i guess...

Lately, i have an uneasy feeling that some of my closest friends tried to stay a distance from me... i am not actually sure whether it's just me because sometimes they seemed alright but i just can't ignore the feeling...

Their gestures are quite obvious... they seldom talk to me nowadays..., when i tried talking, they never maintained eye contact..., and stuff like that...

When this happens, i just can't ignore it and continue to interact with them as if nothing happened!!! therefore, i also sort of keep a distance with them although now and then i tried to bring up a converstion with them... i know maybe my gesture will worsen the condition but it's just hard to control it...

This recent event made me think a lot... and also fatigue added to my gloominess, i know i might give others a worse impressions; that i am grouchy & gloomy & silent...

It made me think what friends is actually about? i know i m too passive, didn't take initiative to take charge of things... & slow in most things..., indecisive..., blur-blur... & like to keep silence most of the time...
yet i know when the conditions are right, such as with some person or some topics, i can become another person which is quite chit-chatty... & i admit that i m quite dependent upon others & always go with the flow when in a group... yet most of the time i don't know how to convey my feelings & insensitive towards others to some extent..., seemed like i am feelingless & robotlike... only do things that will bring goodness, only look for friends when there's something... i m a bad friend to be with... always on the neutral side & boring & don't know how to carry myself & react accordingly in situations... the worst is my studies are quite good, & i join quite a lot of activities, so that made other people think that i am a proud a** h*** & a show off who keeps the good stuff to myself & didn't contribute to others needs...

Yes i know, you might be thinking 'wow, this guy have so much weaknesses!!!' but who don't have his/her own weaknesses...? it's just that i have a set of the worst combination of weaknesses & my strengths are few...

I really don't have any bad intentions & yes... i know i shouldn't become too attached to the fact that our friendship had becoming to turn sour... eventually everything in the world will change even feelings... yet this very thought was rebuked by my friend that yes, i am too neutral so even if one day he breaks the friendship, it doesn't really matter to me because i'll just accept it, get over it & will not try to change anything...!!!! Do you know just how much that hurts me deep inside...

i just can't help but thinking am i such a jerk? until mu closest friends also turned against me & abandon me?

I am considered a person which very few friends & fewer close friends & fewer true friends... now that this thing happens... i just don't know who i can trust & who to pour my hearts out...

i am feeling really really sad this time & perhaps at the same time, i m getting more & more fatigue because of the activities i joined... so now i am feeling very very down!!!

I really hope that i can get some insight on this myself through self-reflections...

May I be Well & Happy!
May I be Well & Happy!
May I be Well & Happy!