The day is finally here. Tomorrow i'll be having my Professional III exam.
At this point, there's a mixture of feelings inside of me now..
I sincerely feel that i am not really well prepared for this exam. There are still lots of topics that i didn't really cover & those that i had covered, i don't know how many percent did stick inside my brain.
The feeling that i would fail is there all these while. Maybe somewhere deep down inside my heart, somehow there's a part of me wishing that i would fail in the coming exam. During the study week, as the days go by, eventually i began doubting my capability to become a doctor in the future. I would have flashbbacks to the time my brother say these words "You are not suitable to become a doctor." I am beginning to agree with him.. Compared to other batchmates, i am not that enthusiastic & active in the process of learning.. yes, i am aware that i am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy & it doesn't really matter to where i flow to.. Is this quality supposed to be in a doctor? I don't think so.. a good doctor should be enthusiastic, active & enjoy learning every disease so that to equip himself with the proper knowledge to investigate what's going on in each & every one of the patient. However, it just seemed to me that i did not have this quality & fear that eventually even if i pass, i would not take it this seriously & ended up being a mediocre doctor.. I also begin to feel that my way of thinking doesn't really go well with the profession that i choose, sometimes i feel that i am too naive & too restricted in thinking. Do i have the ability to help & to cure? Perhaps my mentality is not ready to take up such a great responsibility?
Another part of me wants to pass, of course. So many people are expecting me to pass & i do have a scholarship contract to fulfill; if not i would be in serious debt..
& I just can't imagine what i would do if i do really fail. Will i have the will & the might to go for remedial & will i be really ready by then? Or will i go crazy & kill myself 1st?
Well, when all's said & done, i guess we just have to live with it, whatever the outcome will be.. Really hope that everything will turn out right.
