A Melancholy Life

Undifferentiated

2012-01-18T21:27:00.002+08:00

A conclusion about me in a word : undifferentiated

just one of the things going through my head.. I realized that I'm really an undifferentiated organism, just living my life by default, by reaction & dependence towards my surroundings.

point 1:
Out of sight, out of mind? I realized I only keep in touch with friends that I have contact with (well, apart from a few exceptions i.e. my really long & close friends). Otherwise, I'll be very distant to my other friends.. even with the ever popular facebook, I just ended up being a 'stalker', reading & knowing their updates but never really response.. which I think is a really really bad trait of mine..

point 2 :
I react only to my immediate suroundings. Many a times, I would totally forgot about certain things / tasks that I planned earlier but ended up not doing. I would only realized that when a certain trigger (from my surroundings) that would remind me of that task!!!

point 3 :
since time immemorial, when I have to choose between something, it'll be really difficult for me since I really have no preponderance over one to the other, no particular strong interest; and I would be so influenced by others in my decision, or rather I needed some influence to get to my decision.. What to eat? What to do next? Where to go? Where to hang out? What to buy? Which subjects to choose? What I want to be when I grow up? Which degree to study? Each proved to be a difficult choice..

point 4 :
No comment: my friends would certainly agree that most of the time, I really have no comments whatsoever to most of the things that we talked about. I am what you would call a 'blockhead'. Maybe the synapses in my brain are just not functioning..

point 5 :
up until this point, I am still not 100% sure just what am I going to do with my life; with my career. Which specialty should I choose? How should I spend the rest of my life? Currently I'm just living my life just as it is, fulfilling my basic 'duty' of living; just 'going with the flow'..

In the end of the day, maybe I'm just an autistic child with a self centered personality that cannot accommodate others in my life? Really pathetic isn't it?

Perhaps my ideal lifestyle is just to be a monk in a temple.. ;p

An act of kindness?

2011-08-31T09:22:00.002+08:00

Ever think back about certain action that makes you wonder whether did you make the right decision and is there a better alternative way?

Few years back, I made a decision, one that made me sacrifice something very precious to bring joy to one of my best friend, but at the same time, I did cause some misery to another.
I don't know exactly why I decided to do it that way then, perhaps I just wanted to do something good, something altruistic, perhaps?

However, when I think back now, I can't help but to think about the thing that I lost in return for that act of kindness which my friend never really do know about or understand anyway.
Is there really the need for that decision, is there a 'better' way?
Is it really worthwhile for my altruism? I've lost something to gain nothing..

I really don't understand why am I thinking all this right now, it's all too late anyway.
But what if I'm faced with similar situation in the future? Will I still make similar decisions, ones that will make me wonder if that act of kindness that makes a hole in me be worthwhile?

Maybe I really need to learn how to be the devil sometimes.. ;p

At the X-road..

2011-06-01T19:43:00.002+08:00

Another year gone by & here i am writing again

** am thinking, dear me, i suck at maintaining things, started with something good but end up down the drain **

Anyway, i am finishing my housemanship very soon.. (wow, couldn't believe i made it through at last)
and yet another challenge awaits me : what should i do after this?

so many roads to choose yet i haven't got the slightest clue which to take..?

interest : couldn't really tell which field i have the most interest in

not really suited for surgical based field due to poor constitution (my back really can't stand the long standing hours in OT);
don't really wanted to go into Int Med (i am not that good with diff diag);
Peads, a definite NO for me;
Radiology - my brother took that off the list already..
Anaesthesiology maybe? but too bad i didn't have the exposure during my housemanship, but i actually only like the OT part of Anaes, not the taking-care-of-ICU part

So, after some shortlisting, i am down with
emergency medicine - since i am bad with maintaining stuff, might as well i do the initial resus & let the ward finish the rest of the job
family physician - be a 'jack of all trades'
non clinical based e.g. nuclear medicine - since i am familiar with physics & the good part : no need to be on-call; but all clinical skills will be wasted

Up until this point of time, i am still at the crossroad, scratching my head, don't know which to choose..
Let there be some signs to help me choose.. please..

the year of the Tiger drains the energy in me..

2010-03-08T22:48:00.002+08:00

been nearly a year since i last written something here.. dear me..
had been working like crazy for the past 8 months..
1st, O&G: the acclaimed toughest & busiest department,
2nd, Orthopaedics: longer working hours compared to O&G + more energy needed, finished that &
3rd, Internal Medicine: my current posting, surprisingly i found it even more difficult & stressed than the previous 2 postings..! My brain energy is all drained up everyday to the max + have to make sure every little tasks are done to the perfection; worse, the working hours are actually longer than previous postings.. why? because we have to do our own night rounds after 8pm.. even during weekends..!

Mind you, the night rounds are good: for the patient & for those on-calls.. but only after 2 weeks in this department, i am feeling really tired & drained of my energy.. can i really keep it up for another 14 weeks before i left this department?

Hoping the Tiger year would bring fresh vibrant energy to me but i guess it's just to be all drained up into the department... or maybe i should go check if i am hypothyroid?

The Day Before Exam

2009-04-11T21:04:00.002+08:00

The day is finally here. Tomorrow i'll be having my Professional III exam.
At this point, there's a mixture of feelings inside of me now..
I sincerely feel that i am not really well prepared for this exam. There are still lots of topics that i didn't really cover & those that i had covered, i don't know how many percent did stick inside my brain.
The feeling that i would fail is there all these while. Maybe somewhere deep down inside my heart, somehow there's a part of me wishing that i would fail in the coming exam. During the study week, as the days go by, eventually i began doubting my capability to become a doctor in the future. I would have flashbbacks to the time my brother say these words "You are not suitable to become a doctor." I am beginning to agree with him.. Compared to other batchmates, i am not that enthusiastic & active in the process of learning.. yes, i am aware that i am the 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy & it doesn't really matter to where i flow to.. Is this quality supposed to be in a doctor? I don't think so.. a good doctor should be enthusiastic, active & enjoy learning every disease so that to equip himself with the proper knowledge to investigate what's going on in each & every one of the patient. However, it just seemed to me that i did not have this quality & fear that eventually even if i pass, i would not take it this seriously & ended up being a mediocre doctor.. I also begin to feel that my way of thinking doesn't really go well with the profession that i choose, sometimes i feel that i am too naive & too restricted in thinking. Do i have the ability to help & to cure? Perhaps my mentality is not ready to take up such a great responsibility?
Another part of me wants to pass, of course. So many people are expecting me to pass & i do have a scholarship contract to fulfill; if not i would be in serious debt..
& I just can't imagine what i would do if i do really fail. Will i have the will & the might to go for remedial & will i be really ready by then? Or will i go crazy & kill myself 1st?

Well, when all's said & done, i guess we just have to live with it, whatever the outcome will be.. Really hope that everything will turn out right.

FLOOD!!!

2008-12-01T00:31:00.000+08:00

This is the 1st time i personally experience a flood..
As i am writing now, the rain continues to pour & already 10cm of water's risen in my house!!!
For the moment, I have retreated to my room on the 1st floor & miraculously there's line, so here i am, typing this..
I really didn't see it coming.. i was preparing my powerpoint in the living room when suddenly i felt water at my feet.
When i looked around, the kitchen's already flooded!
I had to call my housemate & move things to the 1st floor..
The whole stretch of road was flood & the water was so high, i had to move my car to higher grounds..
My mum's worried if the water will get any higher..
Although the neighbours said that a few centimetres of water is normal during this season, but if the rain continues to fall, i fear for the worst too..

Let's just hope this rain will stop soon...

... ...

2008-09-15T22:39:00.005+08:00

These 2 days have been very bleak indeed.. ..

only received news in the afternoon about the passing away of my dear friend's father of whom i knew quite well too..

he's a robust and very helpful man, also, he's a great planner taking into account the slightest details so that everything goes accordingly.. he's been a great help to me as well.. all these years while i am studying in university, he had been the one i had to rely on to send me home from the train station or bus station..
the father of my dear friend, he had been a great parent, a responsible and meticulous parent who had taken care of every details so that each of his children can have the most out of their lives.. many times i have heard my friend praising his father for all the good qualities..

the only regret might be that he had to leave his family earlier than he intended.. never would have thought that a previously fit man would suddenly fall gravely ill and passed away..

May he rest in peace..

somehow it all made me think back about the death of my own father.. they both passed away at quite similar age.. both due to illness.. both had left their family devastated at the great loss of their dear ones..

but that's the reality of this world, all is impermanent..

In memory of my Grandma..

2008-09-14T16:09:00.003+08:00

Mid-autumn festival, should be a festive occasion

but i never would have thought i would receive a call that changed my day..

in that morning, i was informed that my dear grandma had passed away..

She had been a very gentle and kind person. Always cared for her children and grandchildren. Never bothered about herself but kept on insisting on home-cooked food for every festivals and even on her own birthdays, she toiled the whole morning to whipped out our favourite dishes. Not once had i heard her saying bad things about others. It's quite a blessing to be able to live up to a ripe age of 70+ years, to be able to see the day of the birth of her great-grandchildren.
Just never thought that she would have to succumb to a disease that tortured her even til the day of her death. Never would have thought that she would become a statistic for cancer mortality rate.
May she rest in peace,
May she reap the fruit of her good deeds,
May she continue her journey in favourable conditions that can lead her to the truth of Dhamma.

Sick

2008-08-21T10:00:00.002+08:00

Been having stomachache for 2 days and diarrhoea for 1 day.. Maybe that's the reason why i've been feeling blue..

Gloom Bloom

2008-08-19T18:31:00.002+08:00

Dear me.. don't know what's gotten into me.. feel so blue.. down in the deepest dump.. tired.. depressed.. lost interest..
but have to keep going.. & going.. can't stop.. otherwise, all will come to a complete halt..

Humans

2008-07-12T00:15:00.003+08:00

Humans.. are creatures that's bound to ties and bonds, be it another creature or an object;
Humans.. are creatures full of emotions, good and bad.

Some are highly charged and release their 'voltage' constantly or what known as those with 'High Expressed Emotion' (HEE)
Some tend to not manifest their emotion but kept it in their heart, hence 'Low Expressed Emotion' (LEE)
*note: as you can see now that i naturally belong to LEE family.. ;p

Anyway, life goes on today as per every day, yet a particular event made me feel dull and bored with the ties and bonds that humans share..
What's a friend if he cared too much about returns, what others can do for him.. this influenced him that greatly that he can just keep all the unpleasantness in his mind for like.. forever, and would just keep digging at the old wounds over and over again. His friends will be in the wrong when they didn't asked him out for a meal this time round and would just keep on throwing sarcasms into his friends' faces.. However, he will not be in the wrong when he himself didn't ask his friends out.. Funny right?
He expects other to reciprocate and know what he wants at exactly when he wants it by how he wants it to be without actually asking him.. if not, prepare yourself to meet with Grouchy the dwarf.. (his friends should have at least some basics in mind-reading skills to survive..!) But does he know the sacrifices others did for him? Is he able to read others' minds as well? Should his friends be like him, hoping more from him?

Well, i understand that everyone will have their good and bad qualities; everyone has their good sides and we should always try to look at the positive points and the happy times spent together. I'm just saying it's kinda hard sometimes to understand this type of person and totally avoid clashes that'll result in a cold war for 100 hours which is quite unnecessary.. and at some point, you'll wonder if there's any meaning to it as you tread the road with great caution so as not to step on any traps and every step you take become so deliberate until sometimes you just don't feel like making any moves at all which of course tend to worsen the whole situation.. *sigh*

I really hope there's something cheerful for me to blog in soon or i'll have to change the title of my blog to 'A Gloom Life'...

New Semester, New Surprises

2008-07-10T10:52:00.002+08:00

Well, well.. what do you know.. here i am in my fifth & final (hopefully) year in medical school. It's been almost a week now since the new semester started and so far so good, at least i am still able to 'curi' a litttle time to write an entry..
But i am afraid it's not that lucky for some other students.. When i first arrived back in ol' campus, a whole bunch of the students got a heck of surprises..!

Now, there's an abrupt rearrangement of hostels and hundred over students were transferred to another hostel resulting in many dissatisfied students including 1 of my buddy. Alright, it's just moving hostel, what's the big deal apart from having to move your things from hostel M to hostel N which is only a football field apart? Oh boy, the climax had yet to come..

When my friend got his room key, we was so shocked to find out that all the students who was transferred to hostel N from M was given querter room (which is like the worst room where you have to share with 3 other students whom you don't know with very very limited personal space only fit for freshmen juniors and maybe 2nd and 3rd year students..) despite the fact that my friend is already a 5th year student!!! This is ridiculous as he had to share his room with 3 other 1st years..! Not only him but all other 5th year students who were transferred had the same fate. When he complained to the officer-in-charge, he was told that the name list was only finalized that day and they had no choice but to slot in the names into any available empty spaces.. the whole bunch of them tried complaining back to hostel M and was given a lot of excuses; as we stood there listening to them, i was thinking, 'yeah, keep on going, you must have thought of 1001 excuses in your brains now to deal with us..' So, in the end, my friend only ended up filing an appeal with the slightest hope to get a better room, but all of us knew that this hope is as dim as a candlelight that's going to burn out..

However, when you thought that this was the climax, there's even a greater height in sight: about 90 students were transferred out from hostel M to a place called UPPU, i didn't know the exact full term but my best guess was Unit Penginapan Pelajar Universiti.. note: they didn't even dare to use the word Hostel, it's just a Unit but the best word for it is actually a Barrack!

This UPPU was actually derived from the 1st and 2nd floor of shophouses where they fit in about 30 beds and cupboards in 1 floor! Visualize: immediately ext to a bed is a cupboard then next to the cupboard is another bed! hard to visualize? just think of a scene of an army barrack in any movies and you'll get a similar picture.. and there's only 3 toilets to be shared by 30 students! Study tables were arranged in 1 row on each side of the wall of a narrow corridor situated at the middle of the unit, where there's no ventilation and not to mention not enough lighting. Imagine how the residents are going to have some of their privacy; where to keep their things without worrying about theft, how to study in that kind of condition?

I really felt sorry for those guys who got their name listed to live in UPPU. As i know, most of them are already planning to find another place to stay..

Wonder, what other surprises are in stored..?

less 'Wisdom'

2008-06-11T16:06:00.003+08:00

When each person comes-to-age, the 4 wisdom teeth began to find its way out of the gum.. 2 years ago i had 1 of it extracted..
Unexpectedly, I have been having trouble eating and drinking especially cold drinks for the past 1 month or so.. went to dental clinic and found out that it's due to impacted wisom tooth, so made an appointment for MOS (Minor Oral Surgery). Finally, the day came to have my wisdom tooth extracted!
At first, there's only numbness.. then came the pain (after the local anaesthesia worn off).. *ouch*
now, there's still slight bleeding from the site and boy, i'm sure it's going to be swollen for the next few days.. *sigh*
and, now i only have half of my total wisdom left..

Elective..

2008-05-05T18:20:00.002+08:00

Time pass by so fast, one moment i'm just lamenting about how i must struggle in my 4th year and here i am, 2 weeks away from completing my 4th year! he..he..

After that, i am supposed to do my elective posting in Johor Bahru but somthing happened and i may have to stay in Kelantan for another month for my elective before i can have a chance to go back to my hometown.. miss U, JB!

Uncertainty...

2008-02-27T20:11:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, i would feel like i am such a fool.. i know i am still human and still do mistakes but i try my best to be a better person, but why others don't seemed to appreciate this? Or am i not trying enough?
i tried to accommodate my teammates, sometimes halted my progression to wait for others so that we can advance together. However, at times i would just get dumped by other where they started to sprint without me.. the result: others would go ahead of me & i'll be the one who's left behind..
Am i doing something that i shouldn't have to do? Am i suppose to as selfish as others to grab every chance possible and not let others benefit from it? Am i doing the wrong thing or am i doing the right thing the wrong way?
Sometimes, i just felt 'down' and uncertain about what kind of person i'll be in the future? Am i really prepared to mature? to go out into the world full with uncertainties? Sometimes, i felt like i am still a small inexperienced kid who's still living in a world of my own..
Is it only me who's thinking this way or is it everybody will feel this once in a while?

Chinese New Year Celebration..

2008-01-27T22:08:00.000+08:00

USM's Chinese New Year Night was fantastic! I enjoyed it very much. The organizers sure put in a lot of effort and it's all worth it..! This is the 1st time the celebration was held outside of campus, it's nice although i personally prefer it to be in the campus, then there would be more 'feel' to it.. I seriously have to take my hats off to the organizers.. Firstly, the show's getting better and more 'pro' by the year. They're even able to use high-tech animation to bring out the storyline of their sketch, the animation is so nice, it felt like i was watching an introduction to a RPG game.. well, although at times the story by the animation was quite lengthy.. They've managed to link up almost the performances that night to the main sketch which gave it a nice touch of continuity of the night's programme.

The decoration was simple yet and a traditional touch to it. I liked this year's backdrop:

The dragon was quite majestic in close view but maybe the audience can't appreciate the details much from far distance. This alone brings out the Chinese New Year 'feel' to the hall. Also, they decorated the pillars around the hall with smaller dragons..

At the main door, they put up images of their sketch's main characters, Yue Fei and his son, Yue Yun. (At first I thought it was the 2 door guardians..!?! he..he..)

Too bad my eyes were closed..! =(

It was also a precious time for our coursemates to gather and chat. It's difficult to find a time when we can gather our coursemates from various postings and have a get-together. It really felt wonderful..

Tolerate..

2008-01-21T21:37:00.000+08:00

It has been a busy day & just want to share a little something that my friend had said.

He told me about a story of a granddaughter & her granddad. It goes like this:

Once, there was a granddaughter (let's name her Mel, so that i need not type the word 'granddaughter' that many times.. ;p) who loved fell in love with a man at 1st sight. After Mel's marriage, she gradually realized that she's finding more & more faults in her husband, thus they ended up always in a quarrel. Everytime, she would complain to her granddad about her husband. Her granddad had always just listen to her stories without any response. Until 1 fine day, Mel went to her grandad'a place to complain again. This time round, granddad handed Mel a piece of white paper & a pen. "Mel, do put down a dot for every fault that you think your husband has..". So, Mel made a dot for every thing that she's not satisfied at.. At last, Mel had at least thousands of dots on the piece of paper. "Ok, that should be it, you see, the dots covered practically the whole paper..!" Then, her granddad said to her, "well, there seemed to be quite a lot of dots that made both of you unhappy.." "but, why didn't you realize that although there might be a thousand dots on this paper, there are still lots of spaces left white..!"

Have you got what he meant?

When two people are living with each other, surely every bits of theirselves will show for the partner to see; however, if all that you saw is faults & weaknesses, surely there will be hard times ahead. Besides the faults, surely everyone has their own strong points, so why not focus on these and not dwell on the weaknesses. This way, there will be tolerance & understanding towards each other. I think this doesn't only apply to marriage but to every relationships: parents-children, friends, students-teachers and even enemies! This way, you'll also be more contented & feel happy for yourself.. so why not?

Down with a flu..

2008-01-12T20:08:00.000+08:00

Just my luck, down with flu.. it just seized me so suddenly! when i woke up in the morning, i got all the symptoms: tired, runny nose, red eyes, cough & sore throat..

Decided to just stay in my room all day, therefore bought some ingredients from 7-11 for my breakfast, lunch & dinner.

Breakfast: Mushroom soup + bread

Lunch: Ice Lemon Tea + tuna sandwich + cawanmushi

My lunch..!

Dinner: friend asked me out, so didn't get to finish off the breads i bought.. :p

Still feeling quite sick now.. tonight have to sleep early.

Winter Solstice

2007-12-25T20:36:00.000+08:00

This is the 1st winter solstice in the past 4 years where i get taste my mum's home-cooked traditional glutinous riceballs..!

Invited a few friends over for dinner (my mum's special fried rice! yum!!!) and we bought some glutinous riceballs (those with fillings: peanut, red bean, black sesame) from the supermarket. I liked black sesame the best..!

delicious 'tang yuan'!

Brief Retreat..

2007-11-25T00:59:00.000+08:00

Another posting ended.. yup, no more labour rooms for me for the time being.. kinda liked the atmosphere though, might consider taking up O&G as speciality in the future
:p

It's been a heavy posting, exhausted my brain power trying to fit in all the inputs and pouring it out during exam.. wow, finally get to relax over the weekend, did some things that i've longed to do such as watching drama, just idling around (though i kinda regret it now..should have used my time for something useful..) and most importantly: setting up MSN on my new laptop =)
Ha..Ha.. chatted with a few old buddies on MSN, really missed them so much!! it's been just a long time since i went back to hometown.. Have to wait until CNY only get to go back..

Actually, wanted to go on a 2 day 2 night 'Kampung Orang Asli' medical expedition which ended yesterday organized by school but as my mum's here, i have to choose family between the two.. Found out from junior that they had so much fun there.. medical check-ups, health counselling, tour around kampung, and a chance to menyupit orang asli style! hope there'll be chances like this in the future.

Well, the end of O&G means the beginning of Surgery. Have to keep it up! =)

Mum's in Kelantan!

2007-11-08T10:35:00.000+08:00

My mum will be staying in Kelantan for about a month! That means i get to eat home-cooked dishes..! Wah.. it's been a long time since i've eaten my mum's dishes.. (what to do, no time to go home).. i can imagine now all of my favourite dishes appearing in front of me.. yum! yum!

On-call in Labour Room

2007-10-22T02:22:00.000+08:00

The time is 2.30 am.
I am now in Labour room waiting for the birth of new lives into this world. So far, I had conducted 2 deliveries and the feeling of receiving a new being into the world is simply miraculous..!
Mothers suffered for 9 months during pregnancy awaiting for this day to come.. As the mother lies on the bed waiting for the full dilatation & effacement of the cervix, every mother would feel pain and anxious for the birth of her baby. When the baby can't wait to see this world, the mother had to exhaust all her energy to push the baby out from her womb, then the expression on the mother's face changes from pain to joy as the baby was born and the 1st cry was heard..!
The greatness of mothers are incomparable and we as a child should always remember that our mother will always be there for us & we should also always be there for our mother..!
Sheez, wonder how i am going to go through tomorrow's lecture...

hari yang gelap..

2007-10-09T22:13:00.000+08:00

hari ini terasa amat gelap.. bukan sebab malam, bukan sebab hari nak hujan.. tetapi terasa pilu dalam hati..

pertama kali mata saya bertembung matanya, saya sudah terasa kesedihan dalam matanya tetapi mukanya nenunjukkan ketabahan yang disengajakan..
apabila saya mula berbual dengannya, suaranya sungguh tidak bermaya tetapi wajahnya masih sanggup bersenyum semasa menjawab soalan-soalan saya..

"akak tidak pernah mengalami apa-apa tanda, hanya sakit perut sejak 2 bulan lalu.. 2 hari lepas, tiba-tiba darah mengalir keluar hingga basah 1 sarung..! Jadi suami bawa ke hospital.."
.
.
semakin saya mengetahui ceritanya, semakin saya faham kesedihan yang dialaminya..
.
.
"sebenarnya.. akak dah mengandung 14 minggu.."
"doktor kata scan menunjukkan akak tak gugur dengan habis, masih ada yang tertinggal di dalam rahim, kena cuci.."
.
.
apabila saya mendengar kata-kata ini, saya terpegun seketika, tidak tahu bagaimana hendak sambung dengan temubual ini.. tapi, saya teruskan juga hingga selesai..
selepas saya pergi dari katil akak itu, senyuman pada mukanya hilang, matanya memandang jauh ke langit.. mungkin tengah berfikir tentang anaknya yang tiada peluang untuk melihat dunia ini..

I am turning into 1 of the 7 Dwarves..!

2007-09-20T23:30:00.000+08:00

Zzz.. Zzz.. Yup, i think i am becoming Sleepy..!

These few days i felt abnormally sleepy throughtout the days for i-don't-know-what reasons.. I've had my usual dose of sleep but still i would doze off at the most inappropriate hours and sometimes really unable to concentrate on my tasks.. i can just doze off to Dreamland during lectures, seminars, discussions, tutorials, even in the library when i was studying.. just give me a seat and i can just doze off before you can count to ~~three~~ ~~ten~~ hundred..!

At times, would felt my eyes were very dry & red (just like when you had just woken up from an hour sleep after deprived of sleep for 24 hours).. definitely not a good feeling..

maybe I've been infected with a 'Sleeping Disease'..

Fragile..

2007-09-15T01:06:00.000+08:00

Spent the whole day in neonatal intensive care unit..
Saw how fragile we humans are, truly..
Those innocent little eyes looking straight into yours, bringing you into their helplessness world..
They cried in agony yet without any audible sound as a plastic tube was placed into their mouth without which they couldn't breath..
The wires here and wires there, my heart would miss a beat everytime the alarm sounds, the measurement of life is just by the continuous lines and numbers on the screen..
Unlike those Johnson's and Johnson's baby who's just so healthy and chubby,
those infants were without any fat and the skin so dry and wrinkled..
Unlike those babies who can go home with their parents and enjoying every moments of their parent's love, the babies in the ward could only have a few hours of the comforting hours
For the rest of the time, they are cared for by their 2nd parents: the nurses and the doctors..

Life is fragile.. yet that's the reason why life is precious.. treasure it well..!

New Insight

2007-07-13T14:59:00.000+08:00

Before medical school, i just thought, Doctors are great; just like the angels from above, pure & perfect.. i wonder in awe..

When i am applying for medical school, i just thought, being a Doctor is great; be able to help others! but did i ever thought, am i really suitable for this responsibility or am i just taking it due to external influence? Am i taking it too lightly?

In 1st year, i just thought, Doctors are great: they need to squeeze all that information about the human body into that little brain of theirs so that they can perform their duty well..

In 2nd year, i just thought, Doctors are great; they just need to clerk the patients & perform examinations to know what's wrong with their body & manage accordingly..

Little did i thought what a real doctor's life is like.. that the responsibilities are far more than what other people sees..

In 4th year, i finally realized that being a true doctor, you'll need a sincerely caring heart for others; not just eager to treat their illness but treat others as a whole (biologically, emotionally, socially). You need to be truly dedicated, the amount of time spent with the patient in ward isn't enough, the time dedicated outstretch far more invading your personal time.. you may need to call their family for clarifications, you need to do home visits, you need to read up about their diseases.. you also need a lot of zest & enthusiasm to continue giving out what you have despite all the setbacks, the falls, the tiredness, the harsh words of others..

Do i even have all those qualities? i am seriously not sure myself.. i am trying to balance myself, always keeping on motivating myself, telling myself i can't fall down.. at least not now.. i really hope i can be a true doctor..

A new beginning

2007-07-09T15:57:00.000+08:00

Alast, new sem had begun. I'm stepping into my 1st clinical years a.k.a. 'junior houseman'..
As always, when confronted by changes, i'd definitely fell into a 'blur like sotong' stage: semi-conscious about what's happening in my surroundings, stacks of workloads, new colleagues etc.
Hence, i may be susceptible to external & internal threats which is unknown to me or has yet surfaced.. that's the most frightening thing! Hope, i'll go through this phase in a jiffy before i sustain any long-term injury.. ;p

If i still have some amount of personal time left, maybe i'll blog about my 10 days Sabah-Labuan-Brunei trip..! if only time permits... =)

In hospital... down with typhoid!

2007-04-06T20:09:00.000+08:00

Just been discharged today from the hospital, felt a bit tired still yet have to re-tune my mind to study mode by tonight as exam's coming... next week!

Been having fever and diarrhoea for 1 week prior to admission to the hospital (i admitted on 1st April). But what brings me to the doc ain't the fever nor the diarrhoea but the unbearable throbbing headache which sent an impulse with every step i take!!! (as this is my blog and not a clinical report, i'll skip all the elaborations..! ;p)

I was suspected with typhoid (demam kepialu) & voila, i was in the ward..! really felt weird inside, the ward that i go everyday in a white coat where i find my target (patient) to clerk his (or her) history, the same ward where i'll be staying for the next few days.. and this time, i am the TARGET not the prey..
=(
i can seriously relate to patients' feelings when they are repeatedly approached by medical students who won't know just how many other students had come taken this patient's history and just how many times this patient had to repeat his history... now i truly realized you can't really blame the patients when they refused to be clerked by medical students.. there's always a reason behind..

All sorts of investigations was done: FBC, BUSE, LFT, RFT, dengue serology, EIA dot blot, blood C&S, urine FEME + C&S, stool FEME + C&S, etc (to my layman friends, these are just all sorts of test to assess my health status as well as to confirm i am having typhoid & rule out other possibilities..)
and i don't know how much blood i lost in the process in order to get these tests done... Ouch!

I was started on IV drip for fear of dehydration and was started on IV antibiotics. Boy, it seriously hurts when the drug was injected into my vein.. it felt cold yet stinging pain slowly spreading along the veins... a truly terrible feeling!

Yet, i felt the warmth that i'll perhaps never realized if i was not hospitalized.. the warmth of friendship! Nearly everyday, my bedside would be flooded with my friends who came to see how i was doing.. some would stay for a long time to keep me company.. many would send messages to me late at night for fear i felt alone.. many came with all sorts of gifts (mostly food :>) to lighten up my days.. i really appreciate all the things my friends at the university did for me.. also not to mention, news had even gotten to JB & SG..! I was shocked and happy to receive words from my faraway buddies.. i am still touched when i think about it now..

This hospitalization wasn't just all suffering for me, i learnt many things from this experience.. maybe some lessons i'll never get to learn if i wasn't admitted.. a blessing in disguise, maybe?

*base note: some facts about typhoid:
Typhoid is a communicable disease meaning this disease can spread from human to human by eating contaminated food prepared by a person with this disease.. the responsible microorganism is Salmonella typhi.. it causes prolonged fever and usually watery diarrhoea with abdominal pain.. so, please be selective when it comes to eating outside, make sure the environment is clean and the way the cook handles the food is hygienic.. keep proper self-hygiene is also very important! =)

Without you..

2007-03-21T13:50:00.000+08:00

1st day without you, it's like missing a part of me,
2nd day without you, i'm beginning to accept,
3rd day without you, i've re-opened my heart to others,
4th day without you, i am still ever joyful..!

he..he.. this proves that people can indeed readapt and life doesn't just revolve around a computer..!
=)

Double Troubles..

2007-03-18T13:09:00.000+08:00

When i think that everything's at last is going quite smoothly for me, dear Mr.Trouble come knocking at my doorstep..!

1st episode: Diarrhoea

All of the sudden! Felt stomachache, went to toilet, and well, you know the rest of the business..
It was so watery, i was in a serious risk of hypovolaemic shock if not for "100 plus"es from a nearby 7-11!
Luckily it only lasted for 2 days! It was a total misery, i slept for don't know how many hours during that 2 days period, total malaise.. eating only bread & drink only milo!
= (

sidenote: i guess the rumours are true.. you'll suffer from the disease that you are currently learning..! I'm in Communicable Disease block right now learning everything from infectious fever, diarrhoea, rashes to snake bites! All my "favourite" microbes: Cryptosporidium, Entamoeba, hookworms, & flukes are all over my table! & voila! diarrhoea struck me..!
; p

2nd episode: Electro-Encephalo-Pathy (Disease of the electronic brain a.k.a. computer!)

My laptop broke down..!!!! It just kept on rebooting itself without prior warning randomly! After asking around, i was told it was most likely mother board failure.. And it have to happen at this very crucial time when i have to type reports, view notes & study materials but most importantly play games, read mangas & listen to songs to de-stress!!! Without the computer, i am seriously half-paralyzed..!

Don't know have to spend how much to repair the laptop.. i am still wondering if i can just replace the laptop as it's quite an old model & i don't think the cost of repairing it will do much benefit (i heard it cost about RM1000++ for a motherboard!) compared to buying a new one.. but then, if i want to buy a new one, there's a whole lot more i have to consider before i can make the decision to buy.. after all, i am still financially dependent..

Well, it's troubles and more troubles for me...

Chinese New Year Nite

2007-02-07T13:30:00.000+08:00

On the 2nd of Feb 2007, another grand CNY Nite celebration was held organized by the 2nd years.. They really put in a lot of effort into it and indeed it was a splendid show!

decided to upload some photos... 1st time trying to upload photos.. he..he

Me with an exquisitely made lamp

The following photos are the result of months of hard work by the Deco team..!

A self-made lantern at the main entrance
(note: the designs was fully hand-drawn!)

a pair of bridge with a pond in the middle, also at the main entrance
(note: the bridges were built by future doctors!)

the backdrop with this year's theme
Sashay of Blossoms, Grandeur of the Orient
presenting... the Deco team!!!

After the show... lots of people hoard around the stage & main entrance to take photos.. but i only manage to took some (what to do, no camera of my own...)

My beautiful group mates...

Friends...

Well, Chinese New Year is coming and that means can go people's house to collect 'ang pow' and most importantly... Eat!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!

A New Year, A New Skill..!

2007-01-04T12:18:00.000+08:00

Omigod! Been ages since i blogged.. partly due to the quake which downed the whole wide web... Anyway, 2006 had been a year like never before,

Been busy like crazy, working my gluteus off till 2 pm every night for CNY Night 2006,
Skipped a heck lot of classes, PBLs (luckily still got strength to go for clinicals), for the 1st time in the history of my life!
Went to the State of Sea Turtles, Terengganu and had the experience of a lifetime having to measure a turtle while she's crying (sure malu lar if me also i cry..!) and laying her precious eggs
Spent a whole month at KL
Worked in a proper office environment (Menara Maxis wor..! ) for the 1st time! (Thanks Tanjong!)
the usual emotional ups and downs, but i think 2006's emotional waves are stronger than previous years.. wonder why?

Conclusion, 2006 had been an eventful year!
Well, actually, that's not the main point..!
The main point of this post is... I FINALLY KNOW HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE! = )
I have been wanting to learn from secondary school but no opportunity...
Came to USM and have to go through the adaptation phase so forgotten clean about it..
Only recently during Raya Haji, my semangat to learn came roaring once again and i took the chance to learn it during the Haji break..
Indeed my effort was not wasted, i finally get to ride on a biccycle!!! Although in the process, i got myself some marks of success: a few abrasions on my arm and legs but it was totally worth it!

Now, i can ride with the wind! It felt really good!!!

1 more Exam!!

2006-12-18T11:33:00.000+08:00

Finally gone through CA 1 and also my final Community Study Intervention presentation!
= )
Now, still have 1 more exam to go: Biostat & community medicine exam..! Lots and lots to study in just 3 days! (Exam this thursday..)
Well, wish my luck. I think i need a lot of it this time.
; p

Saturated..

2006-12-10T17:00:00.000+08:00

Ever have the feeling of having eaten too much until you've reached the point where you'll feel disgusted even by the sight of food?
That's exactly how i feel right now..! Not due to food but yes... due to the stacks of notes and medical books. My brain is saturated and anymore of this i'll go bonkers..!
It sound a bit harsh but seriously, i really might just puke right in front of that mountain of notes..! Merely the sight of that made my stomach groan.. = (
Hence, here i am running away from my notes.. Well, have to chack mails and write blog once in a while, right?
Like people always say
"Rest is for the longer journey ahead!"

Thoughts & Headaches

2006-11-19T15:16:00.000+08:00

Been thinking about the title of my last post... Life is indeed contradicting. While doctors are said to be with no social life, their job revolves around their patients most of the time! So i guess patients and their families ARE doctors' social circle in COMPENSATION to the loss of their normal social circles.
Patients + Patients Families in exchange for Friends + Own families.
Wow! Doctors really have to sacrifice A LOT!

Then again, i can't help but to feel that even at the current moment, i began to loss touch with human interaction (well, most probably because of my quiet nature) ; sometimes i feel it's harder and harder to understand how a person thinks & acts (is it because i've seen deceits, selfishness, misunderstandings and backstabs that i am losing my faith in human, in myself perhaps?) ; how is that going to help me in dealing with patients in the future? Will i become a robot doctor? A doctor that will only be determine to discover the underlying disease my patients have? Will i just go to my patient, ask relevant history, perform physical examination, identify disease, give treatment, full stop; without any empathy towards how the patient feels? Is that a healthy human interaction?

But which is better? A more competent yet apathy doctor or A not-so-good-with-skills doctor that is able to soothe your pain? Can i get the best of both worlds, be a very competent and empathic doctor?

I feel that my personality itself does permit me to gain the best of both worlds; seriously i feel i am totally bad at soft skills and it has to be the hardest skill to acquire and learn, you can't possibly learn it through lectures or course or books!
Anyhow, I am trying to change myself in order to walk that very path to reach that very destination.. just that sometimes i need more than average motivation to keep me going..!

Well i guess the path of a medical practitioner is tougher than tough but in the end, when you know you can make a difference in other people's lives; to be able to put an end to others miseries, however small it is; these are good enough reasons to lighten up the spirit a bit!

Lastly, a phrase worthy of the posting's theme that every medical practitioner have heard a zillion times,
"You must treat patient as a whole not just treat the disease itself..!"

Anyway, been having headaches for a few days now... Don't know why all these thoughts spurt out of my mind when i am having a bad headache..!?! Weird.

Doctor = No Social Life?

2006-11-16T12:50:00.001+08:00

Had a nice chat with 2 of my friend yesterday night (or rather today early morning!?!) from 2pm to 3.30pm... We realized that compared to previous years in university, the interpersonal interactions among us had greatly reduced...

We attribute it to the increasing amount of workload, have to study back 1st year's basic sciences: physiology, biochemistry, and (Grey's? : p) anatomy in addition to current clinical sciences, pathology (not pak-toh-logy) and other -logies i.e. haematology, endocrinology, parasitology, and the list goes on; added to these, we have to clerk case, try to perfect our clinical skills while trying to squeeze a huge amount of knowledge into 1 tiny brain... TOUGH.

So naturally, less and less time for chats, less and less people go for club activities and less and less interactions... It's mostly about studies, homeworks and patients... I guess it's true to say that a doctor is bound to it's life long profession and does not have (or rather couldn't have) a brisk social life.

It's really very hard to juggle between study load and social life. More time spent in social meaning less time to study meaning less knowledge gained yet knowledge is very important for doctors as they are dealing with precious lives that's entrusted to them.

Wonder how will my future life will be like???

My niece's Full Moon

2006-11-05T11:39:00.000+08:00

I have the cutest niece in this whole wide world..! = )

My niece, named Yu En, had her Full Moon celebration marking her 1st month into this world.
I finally got to see her and her face is just the cutest thing in this world! Round face, large eyes, single eye-lid (but my brother claimed it's doubled?), very nicely-shaped lips. I'll post her pic when it's available..

She will grow up to be such a fine lady with lots and lots of people showering their love on her.. evident by the amount of presents received; enough to bury 1 adult beneath the whole pile! And of course my dear brother puts ALL his attention on hes dearest daughter: he feeds her, bathes her, sings to her until she falls asleep and he's the 1st face she'll see everytime she wakes up..! She's totally immersed in the power of parent's love!

By the way, i had a lot of goodies to eat too! Happy.
; p

Back in Kampung

2006-11-02T13:12:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, my group went to our community study area to visit our adopted families' homes for Raya celebration...

Started our journey around 2.30pm... it was raining. One of my coursemate, LL was complaining, 'Oh dear, what's gonna happen to my car? All the muddy roads... *sigh*'.. Well, we haven't realized by then what's gonna happen to our STOMACH after a few hours..!

We went house by house...
1st house: 'Mari makan!' 'Baik!'
We ate kuih raya and drank air kelapa wangi blend (a famous product of this family, Shiok!)

2nd huse: 'Mari makan!' 'Ya..'
Again we ate kuih raya, drink orange juice and while we sembang, we didn't realize the ultimate danger... the host cooked an enormous portion of friend mee!!! Of course, we can't refuse so each of us ate our little share leaving quite a lot untouched...
By the time we are leaving, we realized it's already 4.30pm!!! 2 hours past! Bearing in mind, we decided to act fast, eat fast, drink fast, talk less.

3rd house: 'Mari Makan!' 'Ok...'
Yup, again we ate kuih raya... by then, we politely refused drinks before the host even begun to prepare.. the witty LL (who stayed there previously) went into the kitchen to check on her mek (mother). Suddenly she came out, asked us 'siapa nak minum? Semua tak mau kan?' (we didn't even have to answer..) in a split second, she rushed back to the kitchen and mission complete, no drinks!
Yet, her mek still came out with 2 plates of mango cuts...

4th house: 'Mari makan!' '....'
By then, i already became a muruku specialist comparing murukus from different houses.
'This muruku taste better hor?'
' Ya lor, just like the one in market... you know, the white colour packet with the baby picture!'
'Ya lor, ya lor'
So, we just ate the muruku, ignored other kuihs and drank tea.

5th house: 'Mari makan!' 'takpe...'
Went in, greet, every kuih try one, drink, greet, out of house.

6th house: 'Mari makan!' 'takpe.. betul-betul takpe..'
In the end, we ate a lot of keropok lekor and each of us had a bowl of ais kacang! (the host opens a warung...)

Finally, we head back with a supreme ultimately full-of-kuih raya-and-water stomach..!
Went back to university, skipped dinner. = )

Raya Puasa Holiday...

2006-10-30T13:42:00.000+08:00

Well, finally had a whole week holiday and can spend some time back in my hometown...
Did quite a lot of things too.. Got to meet with some hometown friends, went out for a lunch at a new restaurant in town, 'Wong Kok Hong Kong Restaurant' & a saw a movie, 'Stormbreaker' together...
Movie: RM11
Lunch: RM20++
Time spent with friends: priceless..!
; p

I'm an uncle!! and Bro's Wedding (2 posts back 2 back)

2006-10-17T12:31:00.000+08:00

Well, it's about time for some gay posts after a period of gloomy days! As they say, sunshine & rainbow comes after the storm..!

I'm an uncle!!!

Starting from 8th of October, i am officially an uncle to my eldest brother's 1st baby girl! Wow, finally a status upgrade...
Didn't get to see her face in person though, only got to see her cute pictures from my brother's handphone..
= (
Don't know what should i do as an uncle though??

Bro's wedding!

2 happy occasions in a month! My 2nd brother's wedding banquet was held on the 14th October at my hometown, JB. The ambience was nice, the food was nice, and the special thing is... there was a live band performance throughout the dinner!!!
The band consist of 2 gentlemen and 2 ladies and i must say they are very talented indeed! Their performance was really up to standard!

Always on my mind 2

2006-10-09T22:28:00.000+08:00

I really don't know what is happening inside my mind but here's a little peek inside my mind...

Frustrating thought 2: I don't know how to express myself clearly...
Well, a really have to admit i don't have a talent of expressing myself very well especially in front of public. My adrenaline level will shot sky high and i will always become too exited & nervous until i lose my composure; in the end i will forgot the flow of speech and couldn't get the message across, clearly.
Maybe my brain's a bit slow, that's why... I feel like most of the time, my brain is blank..! Thinking about absolutely nothing. Maybe that's why everytime it's only until after i had a certain conversation with someone that i thought of a lot of better words to say that will be able to convey my message a lot more clearly. Does this only happen to me or does this happen to anybody else? i really wonder...
This also attributes to me being a listener more than a talker. Well, i think when in a crowd i am listening 99% of the time and only talking 1% of the time but i enjoyed listening to other people's stories... other people's problems... though maybe when i am listening i don't really give a very good response and my eyes will tend to sway to look at what's happening at the surrounding.. So others will tend to feel like i am way too quiet. And yes, sometimes, i will just do something unexpected and the result...
yup, you guessed it, kena kutuk again, 'sometimes i feel you just trying very hard so that others are impressed with you... so fake...'
(*stab*) What! So meaning i can't really do anything that brings others attention to me once in a while when i am not even thinking of this sort of things and you can do just anything as if you are NOT trying to impress others because you are always doing this sort of things and it's normal for you yet not for anyone else??? Duh?
It really hurts when i heard these words.. to think i can be labeled as 'doing things with intention and purpose' when i am not, AT ALL! Couldn't anyone do something just for the sake of it's intrinsic values... without ulterior purpose and nothing else??

That brings me to my other problems:
Problem 1: i actually don't like to probe into other people's business, if you want to talk, of course i can always lend my ears but because of this, other's will think i do not care so i do not ask so they just deliberately don't talk to me...
I know of this so when i try to improve by asking more questions (out of concern) i was told by others that they don't like me probing too much into their business..!?!
What the ****? So now i seriously don't know just how am i supposed to interact with others... when i talk i am afraid other people will perceived me as nosy and i actually don't know what to say... when i don't talk, people will say i am too quiet or feel that i am hard to approach & grouchy... (sigh)

Problem 2: don't give expected response perceived as 'i am not listening and i don't care what you are saying' attitude...
Well, i know it is quite inappropriate that i didn't keep full attention to the conversation at hand and tend to scan around with my eyes but i sincerely state here that i DO listen... it's just that i like to look around when i am listening... different sensation modalities different nerve tracts, it won't affect one another, that's called multi-tasking! But what made things worse is that as i had mention earlier, my brain is slow and tend to blank itself out... so when i am asked a question, 'hey are you actually listening what i am saying, can you repeat what i said?' A lot of times i just can't really give the answer that others expected... So i always kena with 'You always don't listen one, when i talking you see here see there... didn't give any response also... Don't want to talk to you anymore...'
(faint)
Do i seriously have a serious interpersonal skill problems or what? After all the repeated kutuk and kutuk and kutuk, i feel like i am losing my senses and i really don't know how to be a human anymore... I seriously don't know how i should treat others, my heart is already shut... i can't really face others without the fear what other poeple might comment about every move i made... i just don't want to make any moves now...

Can someone just give me some tips just how am i suppose to handle all different sort of poeple out there in the world? Do i really need to change? How do i change? Must i be a really good actor that can change my personality when needed? Must i wear a mask everytime i interact with other poeple?

I don't really know, maybe all this thoughts will go away, maybe just like KP said, it's just a mood swing... (i am also a temperamental Cancerian bound to the waning and waxing of the moon) or maybe this is just an excuse created by myself to help me feel better...

Questions...

2006-10-03T11:18:00.000+08:00

What will you do when you realize you are nothing but a bringer of troubles and sorrow to those around you?
Will you leave your loved ones so that they don't get sad?
Will you leave your loved ones so that they'll stay happy?
Will they understand the reason of you leaving?
Will they even try to persuade, to find out the exact truth why you do the things you do?
Do you silently wanted them to?
What will you do everytime you have a problem at hand that keeps bugging you?
Share your sorrow with your friends?
Even if you know they won't be able to help?
What if every time you are troubled it shows on your face?
Do you have the heart to pass your sorrows around?
Or will you just keep quiet, leave and slowly let yourself drown in the sorrow alone?
Yet at the same time, do you silently pray that someone will ask about your problems & care for you?
What is the purpose of sharing your sadness?
So that others too can feel your sadness?
So that you'll feel better as your share of sadness will be distributed among others?
So that others will try to make you happy?

Always on my mind...

2006-10-01T12:45:00.000+08:00

I know i should think too much and seriuosly i don't wish to have blogged this... it's somehow inappropriate for this blog's theme...
but something are just always on my mind...
At times i get so frustrated i don't even know what i am frustrating about..!
How should i live my life? How should i treat others? what should i do to make people around me feel happy? which path should i take? where should i be going? what should i be doing? Why am i thinking all of this...?

One of the most frustrating thought:
Most of the time, people say i am neutral... too neutral just like pH 7.000000000
But is it wrong to be the way i am? Again when i try to change, when i try NOT to be neutral, people will say, "Eh.. how come suddenly u become so acidic one?" So just what do you guys what?!!!?
Maybe my neutrality leads to my indecisiveness or the other round, i don't know but again, is it my fault? One classic example: When others ask me where & what you want to eat? As everyone would have guessed, i will definitely say, "You decide lar..." Well, i really feel this way, for me anything will do... others who have a preference can make the decision what.. isn't it better since it's you who have the preference and you will get to eat what u want! But no... the exact same type of people would say, "Why everytime i have to decide one? You don't have any ideas meh? So usually after this statement, of course i will give some suggestions:
me: McD?
friend: don't want...
me: fish & chip?
friend: what? again?
me: then food court lo, convinient what...
friend: don't want lar...
me: how about...
friend: (interrupt) why don't we go eat Japanese food?
me: ... ...
Duh! Why don't you tell earlier and all's well, no need to dilly dally... Of course this is only one of the minor example... perhaps it's really my fault that i can't easily please others?
And i seriously don't like to take sides... so when people are arguing (not real argue, both parties are my friends and most of the time they like to argue just for the sake of argue...), i of course stay neutral lar... what for taking sides? Again kena kutuk by them,
"why you never help me one..." (with the very serious face...)
"okay... next time lor...
Then next time, i decided to take sides, of course when you take sides you can only take 1 side, right? Again, kena kutuk... = (
"Why just now you help him not me? You hor.. everytime stay neutral... when help also don't want to help me... you don't treat me as friend har... fine lor?" (again with very serious face expression) So what am i to do??? Neutral also wrong, acidic also wrong, even alkaline also wrong!
= (

I guess this problem will be always n my mind... How can i truly be happy?

What Tarot Card Are You?

2006-09-24T12:46:00.001+08:00

Found this nice short quiz. Try it out!

I Am The High Priestess

You represent mystery - secrets that are yet to be revealed.You find yourself sitting between two worlds: one dark, one light.You tend to hold these two worlds in balance, reconciling the two.Open and welcoming, you invite others to learn your secrets.
Your fortune:
Something hidden, or latent, in your life is about to come forward.You need to pay more attention to your dreams, thoughts, intuition, and imagination.And if that involves tapping into your dark side, it will all balance out in the end.You have a lot of potential dying to be unleashed, so let those gates open!

What Tarot Card Are You?

Back from Outing Camp

2006-09-24T11:11:00.000+08:00

Just came back from Buddhist outing Camp organized by the 2nd years. So darn tired... I feel like my minds floating in and out of consciousness as i am writing this... (oh, should be typing this, not wrting... ; p)

i couldn't believe it when i reached the camping site on day 1 as they have chosen the exact same resort that we were in last year! Furthermore it had changed quite a lot. What formerly was an old wooden elevated platform with a roof (they called it a hall) transformed into a fully air-conditioned room with glass windows, now that's a proper hall..!

I enjoyed the time very much there, able to interact with the freshies (by now not so fresh liao lar...) and also got to relax my mind.
I am really impressed by the juniors. 1st of all the exquisite booklets, personalized name tags and the camp T-shirt was really nicely done. At once can see that they put in 200% of effort into it..!
Next is the campfire, it's opening ceremony was fantastic! They made a wheel (which symbolizes the 8 Noble Truths) out of rope with a ball in the middle. When the wheel is lit on with a torch, the ball in the middle will also caught in flame and in turn roll down a wire framed tunnel to lit up the main campfire. It was so professional!
The station games on the next day was also nicely designed. Not too strenous for old people like me.. yet still challenging enough. The games tested teamwork and also planning and strateging techniques of the participants.
The food and desserts was also heart warming, the talk was inspiring and the hymns selected was so beautiful and brought back fond memories of past years' camps..
But what i lived most about the camp is ... i can sleep on the beach under the starry sky! It was the ultimate pleasure for me to be able to lay on the beach and look at the stars! The wind wasn't too strong and the sky was more and more brilliant as the night pass by... It's sooooo nice!
I really appreciate the efforts of the 2nd years for the great camp!

But for now, have to go scrub the flour off my clothes and get the sands off as well...

Back to the Past

2006-09-17T16:40:00.000+08:00

Did anyone tell you that when you feel stressed, unhappy or hurt, your body will react and try to go back to the condition when you are small to sooth ourselves? Just like when you are sad, you cry like a baby and get over it after the cry; and when you are troubled, you think about your home & family who's always there for you since birth, when you get emotional, you hope someone will 'manja' you just like when you are a little child...

For me, i just found a lost piece of my past that makes me happy... watching serial dramas!!! It has been such a long time since i watched drama, ever since i entered university, i practically lost touch with my best buddy, 'television'. I recalled how i used to stick to the TV screen starting from 5.30pm to about 11pm! All the while studying of course (my study table was in the living room, lucky!).
5.30pm til 6.30pm is allocated for cartoons
6.30 til 7.00pm: eat dinner & bath (because news is on)
7.00pm til 10pm: Chinese dramas
10pm onwards: english serials
I almost forgot what kind of feeling that was...

Until recently, i watched a Hong Kong serial drama (yup, 20 episodes at one go! Yippee!!!) while i study during the weekend and it felt so great!!! The feeling is indescribeable.. just like you have attained nirvana! (maybe i exaggerated a bit.. but only a tiny itsy bit...)

So i decided to keep this on and revert to my old custom: studying while watching dramas! He..He..

The Meaning of Friends

2006-09-11T10:25:00.000+08:00

What actually does the word 'friends' mean?

Does it merely mean playmates? studymates? Those with similar if not same interests? Those whom you are comfortable to be around with? Those whom you did some of the craziest things together? Those who knows you inside out? Those who always spend a lot of times with you?

'Friends' can be categorized into few categories, according to some, namely mere friends, good friends, best friends, true friends. But how are we going to differentiate from one another? Just by the total time we spent with each other? the number of words we spoke to each other? The number of meals we had together? This is how we built our connections with friends, is it not? Meaning the deeper the connection the deeper the friendship, right? The deeper it is, the higher the category of friendship. I am sure most of us agreed upon this.

But then thinking back, even if the amount of time spent together totals up to an astronomical number (meaning a lot lar) if that person is just putting up a mask with you, will you be able to make a connestion? if yes, is that connection true? Then, if someone who puts down all the masks and you realized that actually you liked that person with masks better, what then? People can finally show you their true colours meaning the connection must be as deep as ocean yet you prefer the actor??? Can an actor be a true friend?

Time spent.. Will friendship fade with time if the two friends were in the opposite points of the earth? Will the 'friendship' downgrades from true to best, from best to good, from good to mere friends?Different places = less talking = less playing = less time spent together. But still the connections must be still there right? If it really does fade, how meaningful this 'friendship' is? Is it true to say the lesser the communication the faster the 'friendship' fades? Is there a kind of 'friendship' that doesn't fade with time?

Understanding. Well, being 'friends' must have a certain understanding. If that person understands you, knows what makes you happy, knows what you really want but that will eventually bring you further apart (because you know you don't belong there, if not who won't want the best of both worlds?!?), will you let the other person go? Is it consider 'friends' if you selfishly keep your 'friend' by your side when you know your 'friend' will be happier elsewhere? Again, if you let go, will the 'friendship' stays, completely or partially? Or will it fade and just gone with the wind? Will that 'friend' knows how to cherish the friendship built over a long period of time?

Quantity & Quality. Some people like to have as many true friends (Quantity counts) as possible while some prefer keeping 1 or 2 true friends (Quality counts). Most of the popular ones belong to the 1st group and the quiet ones, the latter. Thus bringing us to a question: does the quantity really represent something important? You have to sacrifice the quality for the quantity, true? If you diversify surely the qualities of individual friendship doesn't really make up to the quality of a friend whom you focus on. It doesn't really bring us much problem if the two friends are from the same category.

What if, for instance, A is from Quantity group and Z is from Quality group. Z knows A will only be happy if A has a lot of so called true friends, so Z can't spend much time with A. Therefore in the context of Z, Z will feel that the friendship is somehow weakened, right? Yet maybe for A, A will feel Z had gotten much more and yearn to break off and find other 'friends'... If superimposed on the condition where A knows what Z wants Y to be his next true friend yet A and Y can't meet eye to eye... Of course as a friend, A will definitely let Z go... As A let go, A must have already thought that the 'friendship' will begin to fade just didn't know will fade to which degree? Z on the other hand couldn't understand why A is doing this as in Z's context, Z want to maintain as many true friends as possible (meaning Z doesn't want any of the 'friendships' to drop even slightly). What will happen to them?

It's very complicated when we reflect upon this isn't it? It all boils down to attachments actually is it not? The deeper the connection, the greater the attachment, the harder to let go. Nothing is permanent right?

Life's a circle...

2006-08-29T13:30:00.000+08:00

In the midst of all the assignments, clinicals and lectures... I realize that you really can't escape from the circle of life... All the feelings that i experienced before is all coming back to me now... in the busy schedule, can't help but to feel a bit of tiredness, drop in enthusiasm level, tired of always having to communicate with other people where unevitably i have to put on a mask of some kind...
Really feel like going into a retreat...

Mum's better...

2006-08-20T14:40:00.000+08:00

Been home for 5 days during my university's convo holidays last week...
Seen my mum, although still feeling a bit weak, at least she can walk and talk like before. A big stone off my heart! (Is there such a proverb in english like this? So long time never use essay english, become 'karat' already... *sigh*)

Went to Penang after that to attend convo.. Ate a lot of local dishes such as the all famous Penang cha kuey tiaw, Penang laksa, cendol, loh mee etc
and best of all, finally get to sing karaoke at Gurney Plaza! Ha..Ha... Shiok!

So nice! too bad i don't have a camera, didn't take pictures to post it here.. so you just have to imagine lar... = )

Days of Sadness...

2006-08-01T15:25:00.000+08:00

My mum's been hospitalized in ICU, HSAJB...
It just happened so suddenly..!
Just last week i got a call from my brother saying my mum entered the hospital due to renal calculi (kidney stones)...
Ermm, okay stones aren't a big problem at all, perhaps it will just passed out by itself

Then, last Friday, i got a call from my brother saying my mum had been admitted into ICU! I frozed. I really frozed on the spot.

Worse thing is that they haven't found out the real cause which was causing all the symptoms (low blood pressure, chest pain, O2 saturation low, respiratory failure)!
Then, when i gotten home the next day, more shockingly, i was told my mun have to be intubated (which meant really really serious..!)
Okay, what's worse than this can happened? I really hope not...

We went to visit her everyday and she was already on sedation.
I talked to her when i don't even know whether she could hear me..
Thinking to myself, 'Perhaps this is a chance for her to get back the lost sleepless hours that she had'. Positive thinking, did some good to me at least...

After a few days, the doctor told us that she can be extubated! Boy was i glad! When we visit her the next day, she was conscious as the sedation's effects wore off, but she complains of abdominal pain this time round. Provisional diagnosis: gallstones.
My brother assured me that this is a minor thing compared to what happened to her.

Really hope she won't get any of the complications and recover soon.

Back in good ol' Kelantan

2006-07-18T12:08:00.000+08:00

Wow... I never realize time flies THIS fast... I am in my third year of university life already..!
Coming back to this place always had an effect on me. When i first step into the campus, i was like "Omigod! Same ol' place same ol' problem: have to study like h**l liao... if i still want to advance"
Third year = Exam year = Bad
= (
Then, seeing the freshies walking here and there trying to familiarize the new environment brings back ol' memories... how i acted during my first year: explore the whole campus on feet, go town by waiting for the public bus which comes every 30 mins (0_O), having to greet every seniors i met, try to be friendly to others, join activities, all the while struggling with my studies... not an easy feat i must say... Been there, done that!

Now, i just wanna put in more effort into my studies as well as to make some changes to myself. I hope really really to be able to improve myself in some ways. Well, men have to keep flowing and improving with time.. which is a tough feat for me!

New semester, new resolutions, new hope...!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2006-06-26T00:48:00.000+08:00

It's a happy 25th June! It's my birthday!!!

Happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me,
happy birthday to me eee,
happy birthday to me. (^^,)

It's meaningful birthday this year beacuse i did something good this day to mark my birthday!
We went to a Home in Taman Megah with disabled kids... We played with them and they really enjoyed our company. We can really see they need someone to care for them. I'm glad i am able to inject some joy into their lives.

It felt great!

A Day at Taman Sinar Harapan

2006-06-22T22:39:00.000+08:00

It's been a while since i have posted something here... i have been in KL for about 3 weeks now with no internet access for my Undergraduate Training Programme.

It's been a very wonderful experience for me: i met a lot of new friends whom i feel are really amazing people, each with their very own virtues and specialties.

Yesterday, i went to Taman Sinar Harapan with this group of friends. This place is located in Selangor and is a place for people with disabilities, some mild and some severe; some very young and some very old. Some were sent here by families and some were abandoned by their families.

We did some chores for them yet those were only very little things that we were able to do for them compare to the staffs that works day and night who cares for them 24/7.
At first, seeing them made my mind dropped to a state to depressed and sympathic; it made me wonders why would there be people who have to suffer like this and it's for a lifetime..! Some were bedridden and will be bedridden for the rest of their life; some unable to speak, some unable to see; some are left with only the sense of touch and most of them live in a world of their own. Yet some are just to normal to be there..! They can sing and dance just like us, maybe better!

As the day progressed, i began to feel quite differently. I shouldn't have the feeling of sympathy for them, i should be empathic... i also realised what's more important is that they are happy in the world of their own and doesn't care about the woes of the outside world..! They may be happier than most of us!
I felt better after that, and able to blend in with them better and felt happy that i am able to make them gay!

All of us felt contented and have a great sense of fulfillment when we left the place. After this trip, we will go to another home with disabilities on the 25th June.

-The more you give, the more you'll receive, the more happy you'll be!-

Turtle elective!

2006-05-18T13:32:00.000+08:00

Sorry for late posting... i had just finish my elective programme at terengganu where i spent 2 weeks living a 'primitive' lifestyle without the wonders of electricity! therefore, i had no access to the net and subsequently unable to post.

The whole experience is wonderful! For the 1st 5 days, i went to a beach in Redang Island named Mak Kepit which is a turtle sanctuary. There, me and my friends had to cook our own meals, and helped the workers there to patrol at night. Every night, there's about 2 to 3 turtles that would come ashore to lay eggs.. our job includes tag the turtle for identification, detect any abnormalities of the mother turtle and also measure the diameters of the turtle eggs...

The sight of the mother turtles laying eggs is eye-opening! the whole process will take about 3 to 4 hours where most of the time will be used in finding the perfect spot and hole-digging! the actual process of egg-laying will only take about 30 minutes! Then, the mother had to cover the hole and make its way back into the ocean. It's a really tough process.

During daytime, we are free as there's nothing much to do, most of our job was done at night. So, we went snorkelling everyday in the afternoon just in front of the beach!
The people there treat us very well and we formed strong bonds... and we really feel relunctant to leave the beach when the day comes...

then, we were assigned to another area named Ma' Daerah which is another turtle sanctuary. We joined in their Weekend Programme and had a lot of fun with the participants. And what luck! We got to see turtle hatchlings emerge from their nest and had the oppurtunity to free the hatchlings into the ocean!!!
The little hatchlings are soooooo cute!!!

I am really glad i had chosen this topic as my elective studies..! The experience is priceless.

Last Day of 2nd year lecture!

2006-04-13T13:02:00.000+08:00

With the ending of today's lecture, i have finished my 2nd year course and study week will commence starting tomorrow. In about a week, i will be having my continuous assessment and after that i will undergo a month elective programme and that will put a full stop to my 2nd year life!

Time just fly by so fast... Don't they ever wait for others?
Well wish me luck for the coming test!

House..

2006-04-09T10:30:00.000+08:00

Recently, my coursemate introduce this series to me and it is really a fantastic show...
House is an english series that revolves around the life of a doctor (House is his name) who solves a particularly difficult case every episode.

It's interesting to see how he actually apply medical knowledge (and finally i can actually see what i am learning getting applied... it's exciting when a familiar term was heard during the show..!) and it's different from Scrub as in Scrub, it's a funnier version of what you would (most probably not) get in a hospital...

I would recommend medical students and medical students-to-be to try watch it, it kinds of give a morale booster too...

Enjoy!

2 Clinicals in 1 Day!!!

2006-04-06T13:43:00.000+08:00

Well... the previous problems not solve but it's slowly 'dissolving' if you get what i meant...

anyway on this particular 'lucky' day where i can be as free as a bird..the whole day.. mind you, changed into a busy-as-a-bee-day for me.
i have been wearing my white coat since morning! It so happens that i get to finally replace my GastroIntestinal clinical session that i missed 2 months back (which is a very long time ago) this morning, which actually is a good thing because i need to pass up a report for it. Then, i have to present my Obstetric & Gynaecology case this afternoon!

Carefree Day => Super Hectic Day

i think i should get used to it though because i am predicting that i'll be facing this kind of situation a lot if not everyday in the future...

Conflict

2006-03-26T12:44:00.000+08:00

Life in full of choices, that is the truth that i realized some times ago yet everytime i am to make a choice, i will still struggle which to choose....

I guess humans are like that huh? You will react differently when you are in the real situation compared to what you say or seemed to react if you are in that particular situation...

Recently, something happened between me and one of my friend... he is the kind of guy that doesn't care much about how you feel or will do anything for this relationship, a freelancer who will find anyone he seemed expert enough to help him in different aspects.
So, something happened and i went into cold war with him.. it wasn't really his fault in the 1st place but when i see him, i just don't know how to react... he seemed nonchalant about it and it just irritates me, although i know i shouldn't feel this way... how should i settle this? by putting up my white flag? or continue the 'war'? or wait for him to surrender although i know it's impossible? or just wait until we both forget about everything or maybe just end this friendship which doesn't seemed to affect him even a little?

Well, that's life isn't it? Problems, problems and more problems...
= (

Hope i can find something that can make me feel a bit better now... i guess i'll indulgence myself with some nice food and a good afternoon nap after this! that should make me feel better...
= )

Back from Langkawi!!!

2006-03-09T12:45:00.000+08:00

I had so much fun in Langkawi! My 4 days stay there seemed to pass so quickly...
On the first day, we went to the Underwater World where we saw a lot of fishes and the penguins are so cute!!!
When the penguin swim, only their anterior white coloured part is in the water and the rest is above water. guess you can try imagine how they looked like!
Then we went to sit the cable car to the mountain top and the scenery is picturesque... to feel the breeze gently blowing is so refreshing and calming... we also watched the sunset there...

The next day, we went to our Prime Gallery (Galeri Perdana) where stuffs related to our previous prime minister Dato' Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohamad are displayed. In the evening, we went to a beach to swim but very unluckily, all of us were bitten by unknown species of bug and i was badly bitten: there are a lot of red dots on my extremities and itchiness kept bugging me since
= (

The third day was the best as we journeyed out to the waters... we went to a dormant volcano island named Pregnant Lady Island (Pulau Dayang Bunting) and swam in the lake and played banana boat!!! It was so exciting and adrenaline-pumping experience as we are thrown into the waters!!!

The last day is our shopping day and we bought lots and lots of CHOCOLATE!!!
*to KP: KK is back in jb now until Sunday, so if you can get hold of him, maybe he'll give you some of it...

Overall, it was really fun but now i am still itching due to the bug bites...

Back from Village...

2006-02-28T11:24:00.000+08:00

Wow, just came back from my village yesterday.
it felt really nice during the stay actually so i kinda miss it... a little.
Most of the 'mokcik'(aunties) and 'pokcik'(uncles) are really kind while we are doing survey at their houses.
some even served food!!! i've tasted the infamous 'lakse kelate'(Kelantanese laksa) and of course my village's specialty: 'ayer nyiur wangi'(coconut water)!!!

Now that i am back, i am looking forward for my Langkawi trip!!!

Oh, this world is full of joy!!!

Have to enter village in 2 days...

2006-02-21T09:53:00.000+08:00

As a part of our medical programme, we have to live with a foster family at a nearby village while we do community research there.
this will be the 2nd time we are going in and it's for another 5 days.
During the stay, we will be doing questionnaires from families to families...
After that have to prepare data for presentation to panel as well as prepare a proposal for intervention to the problems in the village.
So, i will be busy for quite some times and most probably have to time to update.

Wish me luck.

What is love?

2006-02-12T11:43:00.000+08:00

Valentines approaching and everybody is asking everybody these questions:
- who you are going out with?
- where you are going to bring thet person to?
- what is your present?

This makes me think about what love really is? and the purpose of finding a lifetime partner.

For me, i feel that there is no such need! If you are talking about partnership and connections, you can always find your friends, i think everybody will have at least 1 true friend to turn to... and sometimes, your true friends are even closer to you compare to your partner..!

If it's only to live together till old, start a family, have sex, have children, then i feel it's redundant and is added the element of lust.

The qualities of love is that you care for the other person unconditionally, never expect anything in return...

Or perhaps it's our animal instinct that guide us to seek for a sex partner, to continue our species legacy; dates and marriage is just social ethics to get the hunt.

Just bits of my thoughts. pls don't mind my blabberings...

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Happy Chinese New Year!

2006-02-06T14:29:00.000+08:00

Wow... every year, it will be a different experience.

This is the first year my sister-in-law joins us for reunion dinner. It's been a while since reunion dinner is so lively. We cracked jokes and talked throughtout the dinner.

But, this year i didn't get to meet as many friends as yesteryears... mainly due to timing... maybe next year.

now, that i am back in campus... everything had to begin from the start; the mega 'Chinese New Year Night' is over (at last... after 3 months of hard work); now had to concentrate on studies! time to get my notes and stuffs reorganized... which is quite messy... and i actually haven't quite recover from my lack of sleep during that period... = (

plus, have to wait for the 'Post-CNY Syndrome' to subside...

symptoms include
- staring at the same page for longer than 15 minutes and still don't know what's it about;
- at a fixed time of the day (for me, it's 8.00 pm at night) we lost control and just have to idle around aimlessly or look for friends to chat away the time;
- most converstion are governed by what happened that night, who wore what, comments and stuffs associated with it...

usually this syndrome will subside after about 1 month if mild and for those who are more serious, it can lasts for half a year!!!

Well then, time to start afresh! Ahoy, here comes nerdy Jason once again!!!

Long time no update...

2006-01-09T13:08:00.000+08:00

Sorry lar for not updating frequently, just like i said, these few weeks are the crucial weeks for me to finish up the preparation for CNY Night.

Now, everyday doing the same routine:
- late morning: sleep (because couldn't wake up on time to go for 1st lecture)
- afternoon: sleep at lecture hall (because the lecture too boring, and tiredness overcome me)
- night: active! doing props for sketch, finish up decoration items until early in the morning...
- early morning: do assignments and reports...
- and the cycle repeats itself...

However, i really enjoyed the time well spent. Just last friday, i spent the whole day at the sewing machine (the old type where you have to step on the paddle). Although it's tiring but i find it fun and the sense of accomplishment when i saw the result! All the beautifully sewn clothes, my art!!! ; p

Well, will keep on working hard as the 'big' night is getting nearer and nearer...

It's beginning...

2005-12-19T14:47:00.000+08:00

This is the first time i am posting after a long strenous week of all day self studying just for 2 short days of exam!

Although i had a week but when it comes to exam, most of the answers are quite spontaneusly creatively written without real concrete idea of what it is... those gone through numerous exam will know what i am trying to say (i guess)...

So, i really can't guess what sort of result i will get but i don't think this is worth worrying because all had beeen set & nothing can change it anymore!

After the exam is the time when all goes into motion... i will be sacrificing my time for the decoration of 'USMKK Chinese New Year Night 2006'! which ultimately means i will have to stay up late until God knows what time, sleeping in lectures, lagging in studies and no time for leisure...

Well, that's life right? I just have to enjoy the whole busy process and get the most out of it!
Wish me luck!

Thanks 4 finding back my motivation....

2005-11-29T13:39:00.000+08:00

Been sick for the past few days partly due to the terrible weather here... it just kept raining and raining... i was caught once in the rain and there i was in my bed, down with fever, flu , headache and cough. I slept a lot in my hostel these few days, skipped lectures and PBls... didn't have the chance to go online also. So, i didn't noticed the comments till now...
and
Wow... i feel so touched when i saw the comments for my previous post. It's true we will feel exhausted at some point of our lives and especially so when we are in medical line where there's just so many things that need to be done and it's neverending story... only when we sometimes reflect on what we are doing, for what purpose, can we stay on track towards our destinations.

Now that i have my motivation back, i'll just have to keep it close to me so that it won't go lost again...

Well, many thanks for the comments again!!!

Reflection of the future

2005-11-17T14:26:00.000+08:00

These few days have been such a hectic period for me. It's as if suddenly, all the projects need my attention these few days. I felt so so so tired yet cannot afford to rest.

Firstly, it's the TITAS exam: TITAS stands for Tamaddun Islam & Tamaddun Asia which i haven't been attending lectures. it's all about last minute study! Okay, this is my fault lar... I admit.
Then, it's my clinical presentation where i have to go hospital to clerk a case, prepare my datas & present it to Dr. in 1 days time! Why? Because of the TITAS exam, i have no extra time to clerk case & have to do it after the exam.
Thirdly it's my CNY Deco duty which is starting tomorrow & i really need to prepare a lot of stuff...
Fourthly, it's the CNY drum team where i help my friend to work out the sequence
Also, i am involve in drum performance on 27 Nov & i have practice sessions now & then
Sixthly (is there such a thing as sixthly? this is the 1st time i am using this term!?!), i have to start settle my Wushu Club secretary stuff which i am planning to postpone, again...
Then, my weekly PBL homework....

So, in the end, i barely have time to sleep!!! Some more i am down with this wisdom tooth pain!!! (ARRRRHHHHH)

If this goes on, i am afraid i'll go crazy just like Mariah Carey!!!

This really made me think, is this will be my future? Always occupied by these things and maybe more; leading a hectic lifestyle of a typical doctor? Leaving me no time for personal leisure e.g. sleeping (my favourite), read novels, just idling around doing nothing (yup, thats what i like to do)

Seriously, i am beginning to have second thoughts about becoming a doctor... my motivation had gone down lately & i know it's very dangerous indeed...

Swollen face...

2005-11-13T11:11:00.000+08:00

Aiyoh... just came back to campus for 1 day only, suddenly my left face become swollen due to 1 tiny little wisdom tooth(3rd molar)!!!
Fancy how a little thing can cause a huge change leaving me with only pain and anguish...
Should really go see the dentist, maybe have it extracted!!! But then, i will have no wisdom left!?! (Ha.. Ha.. just a joke lar)

A Happy & Tired Day!!!

2005-11-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been a week since my holiday started and today i am really glad because i got to meet one of my good friends in Singapore... it's been a long time since we met.
Actually we didn't plan thoroughly so we spent half the day waiting for each other...
the story goes like this...

I went to Singapore in the morning with 2 of my friends. At 1st, we planned to meet that friend in Singapore at Ngee Ann City but then we got hungry & find food (well, for us, hunger is a feeling that cannot be allowed to linger long!!!) so we went to find food in Suntec City. I did sent 2 SMSs to him but i don't think he managed to received them (must be the darn international roaming system that i am not used to, ya... i am to blame also lar...) anyway, at that time, i haven't realized yet...
1 hour past yet no signs of him anywhere, so i tried calling using handphone but apparently my call was barred!?! Luckily my friend contact me (he also puzzled why we haven't meet him at designated place) So we window shopped a while & got really tired of walking... (can't truly understand why some people can shop the whole day with such enthusiasm, ('-')?? )
So we proceed to McDonalds for ice-cream! Finally our special character of this blog, my friend KP arrived!!!! (psst... KP sorry ler made you come all the way from your hostel but it's worth it, rite?!?)
Then we walk & talk & shop some more until dinner time. It's the 1st time i am eating a buffet dinner at Singapore and i like the atmosphere a lot and the food is nice too...
Ahh... a perfect evening!

Got back home quite early too & after a bath, my whole body starts to feel the weariness... so i guess it will be an early night's rest for me tonight... Good Nite!!!

-Happiness grows when shared with others-

Friend's birthday!!!

2005-10-16T13:25:00.000+08:00

Wow! it's been a long time since i had so much fun celebrating my pal's b'day two nights ago.
this friend of mine is quite close with me & we, with other 6 friends called ourselves the '8 immortals' (he..he..he...)
so we decided to give him a grand b'day he'll never forget...
we had a bbq at a sandy beach at night where we thoroughly immersed with joy! it's been a long time since i bbqed.
but something happened that made us move to another location (my bro house)
there, we continued our party where we watched movies, play cards while we finished off the foods.
we end up staying there till about 5 am in the morning!!! luckily we don't have class the next day =)
i slept so soudly until i didn't even hear my alarm ring & slept right through the morning... woke up around 12.30 pm...

life is indeed full of joy... it depends how you wanna live it!

Mid-Autumn

2005-09-19T11:41:00.000+08:00

Last night, i had a lot of fun celebrating Chinese Mid Autumn festival with my cliche...
We had steamboat... & talked & played games... the warmth is so pleasant...
after that, we carried lantern & walked around the campus! it's been a long time since i actually carried a lantern on Mid-Autumn night... As we walked, i finally saw the tree with fireflies that others had spoken about...! It's really beautiful, the tree was decorated just like a christmas tree!!!

I feel much calmer now... hope i can now start to concentrate more on my studies!!!

I really need to take a break...

2005-09-01T16:07:00.000+08:00

I really need to take a break... Because i feel I am already reaching my limit...

All this while, i feel i've been involving in too much activities... nearly non-stop. All the business might cause me to somehow neglected my friends & affect those around us... Maybe that's also the main reason why i am so down... Therefore i've decided to take a break & will try not to be involved in new activities after i had finished the ones at hand...

Get some rest & do some reflections!!!

I actually haven't got out of the blues yet... oh no!!!

A Sad One... = (

2005-08-23T15:05:00.000+08:00

I know i shouldn't think about unhappy stuff too much... but somethings are just hard to control, i guess...

Lately, i have an uneasy feeling that some of my closest friends tried to stay a distance from me... i am not actually sure whether it's just me because sometimes they seemed alright but i just can't ignore the feeling...

Their gestures are quite obvious... they seldom talk to me nowadays..., when i tried talking, they never maintained eye contact..., and stuff like that...

When this happens, i just can't ignore it and continue to interact with them as if nothing happened!!! therefore, i also sort of keep a distance with them although now and then i tried to bring up a converstion with them... i know maybe my gesture will worsen the condition but it's just hard to control it...

This recent event made me think a lot... and also fatigue added to my gloominess, i know i might give others a worse impressions; that i am grouchy & gloomy & silent...

It made me think what friends is actually about? i know i m too passive, didn't take initiative to take charge of things... & slow in most things..., indecisive..., blur-blur... & like to keep silence most of the time...
yet i know when the conditions are right, such as with some person or some topics, i can become another person which is quite chit-chatty... & i admit that i m quite dependent upon others & always go with the flow when in a group... yet most of the time i don't know how to convey my feelings & insensitive towards others to some extent..., seemed like i am feelingless & robotlike... only do things that will bring goodness, only look for friends when there's something... i m a bad friend to be with... always on the neutral side & boring & don't know how to carry myself & react accordingly in situations... the worst is my studies are quite good, & i join quite a lot of activities, so that made other people think that i am a proud a** h*** & a show off who keeps the good stuff to myself & didn't contribute to others needs...

Yes i know, you might be thinking 'wow, this guy have so much weaknesses!!!' but who don't have his/her own weaknesses...? it's just that i have a set of the worst combination of weaknesses & my strengths are few...

I really don't have any bad intentions & yes... i know i shouldn't become too attached to the fact that our friendship had becoming to turn sour... eventually everything in the world will change even feelings... yet this very thought was rebuked by my friend that yes, i am too neutral so even if one day he breaks the friendship, it doesn't really matter to me because i'll just accept it, get over it & will not try to change anything...!!!! Do you know just how much that hurts me deep inside...

i just can't help but thinking am i such a jerk? until mu closest friends also turned against me & abandon me?

I am considered a person which very few friends & fewer close friends & fewer true friends... now that this thing happens... i just don't know who i can trust & who to pour my hearts out...

i am feeling really really sad this time & perhaps at the same time, i m getting more & more fatigue because of the activities i joined... so now i am feeling very very down!!!

I really hope that i can get some insight on this myself through self-reflections...

May I be Well & Happy!
May I be Well & Happy!
May I be Well & Happy!

One Day Trip To Tumpat!!!

2005-08-20T14:44:00.000+08:00

Wow, it has been a long time since i wrote...
i had been really really busy until i think i took on too much responsibility which is NOT good... perhaps it's time for me to retreat a little...

Anyway, on the 19 August i went for a 1 day trip to visit Buddhist temples including the one with Sleeping Buddha, Sitting Buddha, Standing Buddha & Dragon Boat Temple here in Kelantan.
It was vert enjoying! We went together with 1st year juniors & also our batchmates...

In the middle, we had our lunch in Sri Tujuh Beach; played games & sing hymms which was very relaxing & enjoying...

Hope this kind of day will come again many many time sin the future!!!

-Happy is A Simple yet Lovely Thing-

A busy week!

2005-07-28T13:35:00.000+08:00

This whole week had been the most busiest week of all...
all our previous preparations were put into motion... meeting the 1st years and having fun with them is really enjoyable! The only regret is i am sick: sore throat and cough so i just had to keep silent most of the time. Moreover, because i am a photographer, i just keep taking photograph and didn't actually get to know the 1st years well...
That's why i didn't get any bean sprout or origami from any of the juniors... you see, 1 of our programme was for the juniors to grow bean sprouts to give it to their favourite seniors and also they were taught some origami skills which they can then exchange amongst themselves... but in the end... i didn't get any : (
but that is expected lar... so no hard feelings!
Tomorrow will be the last day of the orientation and there will be an official photo session! that is my favourite slot and i borrowed a tripod just for the purpose!

All in all, this week had been a fruitful week for all of us 2nd years here in USMKK!!!

1st & 2nd Week...

2005-07-20T14:06:00.000+08:00

2 weeks passed just like that...
Apart from having to attend Orientation Week, my friends & me had been busy making preparation for the Buddhist Club Introductory Week in cnjunction with the Desa Orientation Week for the 1st years... we had prepared a lot for them including performances, games etc... myself will be the official photographer for this event *grin*
This is a rare oppurtunity as we seldom have chance to do project together... therefore i really cherished the times we spent together...
Sleeping after 2 am had become a norm for us & every other day, we had to attend meeting...
Well, th Orientation is starting soon so hope this event will be a successful one & all our efforts be paid off!

A New Beginning...

2005-07-14T13:39:00.000+08:00

Wow... finally can be declared as 2nd year medical student...
A lot of unhappy things happened for the past week but much more happy things also happened to me... I'll just highlight a few....

When i was boarding the train to Kelantan with my friends, we encounter an old man who yelled at my friend's father when he offered to help the old man. What was the man thinking??? He just rejected a kind offer to help him carry his baggage...!
From his mouth (yah, i listen to every word he said), i sensed the insecurity of the old man, my conjecture was that maybe he was cheated before & lost hope in mankind... but who was to blamed? indeed nowadays, we hear more & more negative news about our society: killings, abuses, terrorism, thieves pretending to be salesman, etc... nobody can say he's wrong for putting up an extra shield when dealing with strangers...

Then, in the train, coincidentally, we met a senior of ours and that proved to be quite a luck because when we arrived at the train station, he offered to share a taxi with one of us; we (me & my friends total up to 4) plus the baggages (a lot) couldn't fit into a taxi!
Bless him!

When we arrived at the hostel, we found out that we couldn't get the keys that day... we can only check in the next morning... therefore all our plans before that have to be changed.
Luckily, i still have my brother! We decided to just enjoy the day & stay overnight at my brother's place. We did our shopping, went for a nice place to try out new dishes for dinner & watched 2 horror movies in a row at my bro's place... we end up sleeping at 3 in the morning.

The next day, we checked in & i was quite pleased with the condition of my room although not perfect... well, humans have desires, i am a human too....
As more & more friends begun to show up, i couldn't help but to feel a warm happy feeling in my heart to be able to see them once again...!

Now, i am going through an orientation programme for us, 2nd years to familiarize with Phase II settings... but that's another story for another day.... Have a nice day!

Grandma's Birthday!

2005-07-05T20:28:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, i went to my grandma's house (maternal side) in Skudai for her 74th birthday celebration...
The thing is her birthday is actually the coming Sunday but she decided to celebrate that day because i am going back to my campus on wednesday...

yes, can tell she dote me a lot! she used to buy me things & is gentle to me, never did she scold me for anything... She is one of the nicest person i ever known! May my grandma be well & happy all the time!!!

anyway, we had an ordinary lunch outside, only few simple dishes, with a few of my relatives. this is the 1st time we celebrate by eating out... my grandma used to cook (yup, although it's her birthday) & wished that ALL her sons, daughters, grandsons & granddaughters to come back for a nice family gathering, any parents would want that is it not? But i guess her wish rarely comes true... not for the past few years anyway... i could only say for now, a lot of things had happened in the family...
(feels sad *sob*) can't help but wondering how will it be like for me when i am old... people are just like that, when we are young we like to go against our parents, be the rebel teens in the family... never thought of what our parents might feel... but did we ever put ourselves in their shoes instead... teens only learn from mistakes (a.k.a. when it's too late!)
pardon the sudden surge of feelings... he..he..he...

well, her health's deteriorating these few years, so my mum suggested that we just dine out!
after the meal, we headed to BestMart just to do some shopping... never did i know the dire consequence of this trip...
i bought a few dvds for myself... the ladies (my grandma, mum & godma) went for some grocery shopping...
when we are heading back to the car... we passed a stall selling fruits & grandma decided to buy durians. U know lar, now durians 'lelong' everywhere, 1 bag for RM10, a good catch! so they bought a bag... okay... then my mum set her eyes on longans, so she bought 2 kgs... fine, then... my godma saw the mangosteen & yearns for it... so she bought some... & we ended up with 3 different kinds of fruits... i didn't foresee the danger... yet...
as we walked further, we passed another stal where 1 big basket of durians was for only RM5... not the good ones but still it should be okay... & we bought 1 basket! think this: RM15 worth of durians (in a bag & 2 big plastic bag!)+ longans + mangosteen..!!! all these was for me as i am leaving soon & wanted me to eat as much as i can...!
this is another problem of parents... they tend to take things in their own hand... always leave the best for the children & a lot of it too...! they don't care if the child wants it or not... they just take it as the child do! though i know its out of their love but sometimes... i fell it's not necessary... don't you think so?

when we reach my grandma's home, we decided to open up the durians because most of them already ripened & we just dig in! and that's just barely 2 hours after the lunch... 1 after another... it's like endless! when finally we cannot eat anymore... we only opened a quarter of the total! but i must admit the filling isn't that bad... although not the good quality D24 or D101 or DXO but still it's good enough...

sometimes, we don't have to get the best to be happy... rite? not all can afford the branded & quality stuff but it's the thought that counts & sometimes even the cheap things bring great comfort!

anyway, they decided to open the rest & put them into tupperwares... so finally we have 3 big containers with durians...
after dinner, which we had only about 2 hours after the 'sumptious' fruit feast, we proceed with cutting the birthday cake... & because there isn't many people around, only 2 families in fact, my mum's & my godma's... & the fact that all of us were feeling so full after the fruits & dinner... the cake was divided into 3 big portions to be brought home by us... along with a cointainer of durians each, a bag of longans & mangosteens!

well... it was a great day, i felt full the whole day through even the next morning! seriously! i didn't even want to have breakfast the next morning!

Lastly, i wish my Grandma many happy returns!

A Day at CS...

2005-07-01T23:10:00.000+08:00

Today is a happy happy day for me because i spent the whole day with some of my best friends at CS...!

8.45 am - went out & upon reaching the bus station... my heart just dropped when i saw a public bus swoosh off...

"OH! NO!!!!! i missed my bus & god knows how long i have to wait for the next one" - monolog

then, another bus came into sight & boy am i feeling lucky, but... the d**n bus just pass the stand without stopping
doesn't seem too happy, right... you might be thinking...
ha...ha...ha... before you know it, another bus came...

"sure or not, this bus will stop?????" - monolog

well... it sure did! & i am feeling lucky already!!!
next whaddaya know... the friend i was supposed to meet, KK, board the same bus as me!!! a rare incident... must be a lucky lucky day for me... or him... we don't have to wait for each other!

9.30 am - we headed to train station to buy tickets for our trip back to campus

my mum was VERY worried because we are considered very late in buying the tickets... so naturally I also feel the same way as i approached the station...
but all the worries for nothing because there was ample of seats & no sign of tickets going to be sold out! hah!!! must be a lucky day for me or my friend!!!

10.15 am- in CS shopping for games... brought a few CD i'd like to exchange due to problems ...

actually i had bought the games quite a long time ago so i am not sure whether i actually can exchange it... again all the worries for... nothing! i successfully exchanged them for the ones that me & my friend like... how about that!!!

11.00 am - queueing for movie tickets...

meet some more friends... then go queue for the movie tickets...
guess what, i met my friend & her boyfriend, who came all the way from Kluang to Johor Bahru to watch a show & going back on the same day!!! this is even rare!!! i can't believe someone can actually travel this far for a movie...!?! then again... maybe other people often do this just not me... who knows?

12.something - went for a walk...

bumped into a long-time-no-see friend who's working...
then, wanted to get a meal but unluckily, we didn't...
reason : the restaurant staff reported that today there's only 1 chef & couldn't possibly get it ready in time... & time's running out anyway... got a show to catch!

1.10 pm - watched Initial D

cool film! never actually read the manga but still enjoyed the movie!!! those fond of adventure, this is quite a must-see!!! (aiyoh... never thought i am doing a free ad for the show...!)

after the show, we headed for lunch although it's nearing 4 pm, i think... i lost track of time...
then, went for some more shopping... i just window shop lor... must... control... my wallet... cannot simply...spend...

my friend, J, who didn't get all that's in his shopping list opt that we go to Pelangi Plaza... so off we went!
at PP, we spend most of our time in Metrojaya to help J complete his shopping list...
just before we decide to part... around 6.30 pm? i bought another game (a little self-indulgences won't kill lar)

so as the sun sets... the whole party comprised only me & KK... slowly we walked to nearby bus stand...
just as our hearts start to worry when the bus is coming... (it's really hard to get a bus at that time of the day, okay..?), there it was... heading towards us... yup... i know you are probably sick of this phase by now... but, just 1 last time... it definitely is a lucky day!!!

a Lucky Gay Day, more precisely!!!

-learn to count your blessings & don't dwell on troubles-

Intro...!

2005-06-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

well... since nowadays even the papers are so hyped over blogs
i thought maybe i just join in the fun... he..he..he...

why the title you may ask...?
well... 1st of all, this gay isn't the gay that most of you might thought it meant
but then again it might... who knows? i'm still an adolescent who is finding my own identity!
*grin* just to keep you guessing...!

at 1st thought, the 'gay' here should bring to your mind the word 'happiness'
yup... well i just wanna keep track about the joyful times of my life & maybe it could cheer me up when i'm feeling down in the future...
however, i can just post anything that's out of topics lar... k... it's my blog after all!
i just hope i got the will to keep it up!
wish me luck!